Pregnancy Update

A preschooler's depiction of happy, pregnant me (see baby?)

31 weeks!!!

Three months ago (when we found out I am at risk for pre-term labor and started taking precautions) I couldn't imagine getting this far.  It seemed so unobtainable and far away.  But time passes, and look, here we are!  ...STILL PREGNANT! 

It is so cool, I am watching God give me another miracle; all praise to Him!  From MN to GA, west to CO and beyond... around the world to China, Europe, from a ship on the ocean and the Land Down Under, our little baby is being prayed for. THANK YOU!!!  (It would be neat to know specific countries, so give a shout out!)  It has given and will continue to give us a great opportunity to share just a little bit of Jesus - when they are mystified as to how or why baby is staying in I say, "Oh, we have people PRAYING!  So many churches and friends around the world are praying!  (At this rate he'll go overdue!)"

Baby is around 3lbs now, and I have gained 14!  Two more months, it's the home stretch.  I am a bit more tired and have less energy (and more emotional swings? ...ask Ben) since I hit my third trimester, but that is nothing.

Into the 30's is just such a huge milestone!  Six more weeks - just a month and a half - and I can have a home water birth!  We can do this!

Hot off the press:  Yesterday held a bit of a scare as I had severe abdominal/uterine pain (cramps?) and contractions more often again... thankfully the pain subsided and I am closely monitoring contractions.  Just a reminder I guess that we're still fighting to keep baby in each and every day. 

Cloth Diapering - Epic Disaster?

Convinced by a friend to look into modern cloth diapering, I obliged since she very kindly sent a ton of links.  Word of CAUTION here:  It is very addicting!

Not able to do much but lay in bed, I had time to research!  Reading reviews, websites and stalking eBay - for up to 8 hours a day!  After a couple weeks, I finally won a bid at my price - two adorable newborn size red covers with colorful polka dots! (see above picture from the listing)

A few long days later they came in the mail!  I had done all this research, I had waited and been patient for only really good deals (and not even touched a cloth diaper for real!) and now I had my FIRST TWO cloth diapers!  I tore open the packaging to find they were

PINK!!!!

I couldn't believe it!  Though slightly disappointed, the laugh and good story was worth every penny.  As to if our little guy is going to wear these... his daddy says, "He's a tough guy!" and he could wear them at night with no one the wiser, but I just don't know if I could bring myself to put them on a boy.  Maybe I'll resell them with a better quality picture and this time have the color listed in the description! :)

Since then I have gotten a few more, 37 to be exact, of varying styles, sizes and brands.  Cloth diaper pre-review coming soon!

Letting Go

Spring being a time of graduations, its probably something you think of then.  Not 18 years before.  But yes, I MUST face it, I must start thinking about it.  I must start preparing myself for the hardest thing a mother has to do. From birth to graduation, something she has to do little by little 365 days a year of her child's life.

Letting go.

Now is the time, the only time and for the last time, that I will hold our little one this tight and this close.  I will savor it while I can.  Birth starts the process of letting go.  We won't 'be one' anymore; he won't be in me.  He will come out and be his own individual, separate from me with his own thoughts, ideas and dreams.  Leaving the womb he starts his journey of leaving me.  Developmental milestones are steps towards independence; all working towards one day pushing him out of the nest.  School age comes and though you may think that with home school you get to hold them a little longer, that is really not true.  You must let them explore and discover and be free to make (small) mistakes and bad decisions.  They must learn that actions have consequences because you will not always be there to guide and protect, and that is how the real world works.  As they get older they will have ideas, and in a safe environment, you must let them follow their child-dreams, knowing that this sets the precedent for who you believe they can become later in life.  You must be their cheerleader, their biggest fan, though you know that each victory is a step away from you.  And then the teen years.  Some freedom and some rules, allowing them the responsibility (though painful sometimes) for many of their own decisions now.  If they do not find their wings gradually, it will be a hard fall when they shoot out of the nest.  It is paramount that they develop their own convictions and identity as an individual, preventing them from being as easily swayed by those around them later in life.  Pray that the worldview you have instilled in them since birth will give them their own solid foundation, even as the gap between them and the family widens.  And then the cap and the tassel and the tears.  The tears?  But you knew this day was coming.  Will they be tears of pride and joy or of guilt and regret?  You must prepare them well, mother.  Prepare them for leaving you.

That is why it is the present tense.  Letting go.  It is a conscious act, a choice of attitude, every single day.  From the first toddling baby step to walking down the aisle, every step is one more step to leaving you.  And the job is never done; the letting go never accomplished and filed in the past tense.  Because it is an act of the will, this releasing control, to see them as adults and respect that they are their own people.  Counsel, comfort and friendship yes, but you hold them no longer in your arms.

Dear mother, cherish each moment you have your child close for these few fleeting years!  Hold them with an open hand for God did not give them to you to keep.  Birth starts the process of letting go (sometimes God asks us to let go of them even before birth), but smile through your tears, new mama - once a mother, a mom forever - you will always hold your child in your heart!

“Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is.The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.”                  
― Kaleel Jamison

Pregnancy Update

A week later and I'm still bummed about missing that grilled BBQ chicken!  Going to the emergency room is probably a good enough reason, but now with that episode behind us, I'm sad about that chicken!

Monday (May 6) night I was having too many contractions in an hour and despite our best efforts to get them stopped, nothing was working.  Following our plan of action, we called the hospital and tried everything I could do at home that they recommended.  They said if the 5-minute apart contractions didn't stop - they didn't stop - we had better come in - so we drove in.  I am so thankful for many things, 1) it was not the ambulance/air care drama that it would have been had I been in active labor,  2) while we worked to get contractions stopped Ben had enough time to run around and put together a little suitcase for me - it's nice to have your own stuff and somehow helped me feel more "prepared"!

I was hospitalized for two days while they got the contractions under control with medication, gave me Betamethasone (a corticosteroid - steroids for baby's lung development) shots that will give him a lot better chance if born early, and kept an eye on my cervix (1cm dilated, 70% effaced).  3) SO thankful we got the lung steroid shots in time!  They have to be given at least 48 hours before delivery for them to be effective. :)

4) We got these ADORABLE pictures of our little man from the 3-D ultrasound!  I'm even more thankful that he weighs 2# 2oz; somehow that just sounds better than having a preemie that is 1# something!  He was measuring a few days ahead by their count, but he is right on for how far along I am by MY count!  #mamaknowsbest ;)

The perinatologist discharged us from our whirlwind hospital stay, but doesn't want us to go home because two hours is too far away at this stage (for baby, to see how my body responds to the meds, etc).  I will have a check-up on Wednesday and they'll re-evaluate my situation and there's a possibility we could go back home.  5) It IS comforting being close to the hospital that has a NICU...  The doctor says all things considered, he'd be very pleased if I could make it to 30-32 weeks along.  So now we know what would be considered a miracle in their eyes!

We are staying in Sioux Falls at the Ronald McDonald House for the week!  6) This relaxing home-like atmosphere only a block away from the hospital and NICU is such a blessing!  Save your pop tabs for this cool charity!  Despite everyone being here for their children in the hospital with cancer/surgeries/in NICU/high-risk pregnancy, it is a happy place, a place with sunshine and laughter!  7) We are so blessed our little guy is safe inside and not fighting for his life like some of the others here.

Here are some medical words that we are becoming very familiar with and if you want to learn LOTS more - more details than you ever wanted to know about pre-term labor and more, follow the links! :)

Perinatologist - an OB/GYN doctor who specializes in high risk pregnancies

NICU - Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, ICU for preemies, newborns and babies with complications  (take a tour here!)

I am on 10mg of Procardia every 6 hours.  A more detailed explanation on it's use for pregnancy can be found here.

Pregnancy Update

You know how when you're sitting in the doctor's consultation room and the doctor comes in and asks, "How are you doing?" both of you know it's only said as a polite greeting because the moment you saw their face you knew.  But you start talking anyway saying what a good week it was and that you're feeling great and you've been so optimistic and you feel almost healed focusing on all the positives not letting yourself think anything else is possible and surely it's been the best weeks by far and you're doing great really you are and if you can just keep talking maybe she won't have room to fit a word in so she can't tell you what you don't want to hear.  As if the facts unspoken make them somehow unreal.  A coping mechanism of denial, probably.  Eventually you've run out of things to say, as you can only repeat I'm feeling great so many times and you feebly end with, and the sunshine was lovely.

Ignorance is bliss but it is immature to purposely keep oneself uninformed so as to live a carefree life.

She tries to smile, a bit of a pained attempt, as if unsure of where to stick the needle for she knows anywhere she starts will still burst my happy bubble.  And it's just fact and nothing we did wrong and hardest of all, nothing more we can do about it.  Minimize stairs, is her gentle endeavor at letting us have at least something to "do better".  And she got out the little tape measure to help us all drive the point home and make it more real in our minds.  40mm is what is good... 8-9mm is a far cry from that.  The question in my mind; what happens when it shortens to... zero?!  But from here on out there is no need to measure anymore.  She will just check to see if I am in labor.  I must count contractions.  Be MORE aware.  No one else but me can tell if something is different, I alone am solely responsible to make that call.  Sometimes it seems the weight of this responsibility is too much.

We visited the NICU.  Our reality short of a miracle.  I realized just how good a job I have done at positive thinking and imagining my beautiful home birth at full-term (including me jumping on the trampoline on my due date if baby hasn't come yet!) that I have almost blocked out of my mind mentally preparing myself for the other possibility.  The nurse put it well when she said that one of the things NICU parents deal with is grieving the perfect birth story they were picturing.  I need to come back to my realist self at least enough to be ready so it won't be such a shock if it does happen.  (I still believe in the power of positive thinking and will continue, no worries, I just must also be prepared.)  And I can't help thinking What if God's will isn't my will?  Surely a pregnancy with complications and many sacrifices, early birth, and NICU stay wouldn't be His plan for us... or might it?  We saw a baby the exact (gestational) age as ours - except he was out and ours is in.  Strange to think of it that way, and amazing and beautiful.  I didn't think of it till later, but, if we have our baby in the next couple of months... they'll be buddies in the NICU! :)

I had a pity party for one day, bemoaning the things I was hoping to go to this weekend - the Tornado Spotter class, and the annual city wide garage sales shopping for baby stuff with a friend that we had been planning for so long, and church.  I feel like I am in an invisible prison, built of my own self-restraint, but somehow inescapable nonetheless.  It was an emotional day and not a good day to talk to me about moving a fridge and a little burner upstairs so I could effectively live my life on all of one story.  I need space.  I need air so I don't suffocate.  Spring is coming and I want to go outside.  Even though it is of my own choosing, for baby's good, it is still hard.  And then I kicked myself and got over my selfishness and started doing things for others.

And now I am back to doing well (sanity-wise)!  My dear dear friend went garage sailing FOR me and picked out a whole long list of baby clothes that I absolutely cannot wait to see, and a baby bouncer that I am equally excited about!!!!  And there is a baby shower for me tomorrow and about a gazillion people were invited and I am just so excited because I love socializing!!!  And then I feel little buddy-boy's kicks and know he's ok, and I'm ok, and we're telling him to stay in there (at least until after the baby shower - I MUST make it to my own baby shower!!! ;)) and 26 weeks is good and 28 is even better.  And I am blessed.

Butterflies and Boxers (Pregnancy part 3)

"It will feel like... butterflies!" they said.  They must have been having girls.  Everything is flowers, butterflies and princesses with girls.

I, have a martial arts BOXER inside!  Pounding on all sides!  I think he wants to come out and meet us, but he is not allowed just yet! ;)  When he sits too low, it's like he's playing the bass drum, BOOM, BOOM!  Wouldn't it be fun to have a little Nemo fish - with a little fluttery "lucky" fin.  But... it's completely not accurate.  [Scratch cute description.]

Tonight he's at it again.  Very active, he is.  It feels like a frog.  I can actually SEE the kicks now!  Our little martial arts-boxer-bass drummer-frog.  Yup, description works.  A little fighter for sure! :)

Pregnancy Update

I'm not gonna lie; I was pretty nervous.  The last time changed our plans so much I was afraid for what to expect.  I just hoped someone else was hoping for me because I didn't have the strength to hope for good news myself.

The short cervix condition is getting worse and I am on "house a-rest" (I have had to stop working), keeping my activity level extremely low and laying down a lot.  Gotta love, just LOVE, these trips to Sioux Falls for doctor appointments... they have a way of changing my LIFE...! :P  *total sarcasm*

For other moms out there who are going through this or other high-risk pregnancies, 

YOU ARE NOT ALONE!

It might not be the birth plan you envisioned, you know... full-term, home, calm, water birth.

Right now it might look like... sirens, helicopter, Emergency Room, long stay in the NICU.

But you will make it... Baby will make it.  

And you'll be stronger for it.

Short term goals, my midwife says.  One more day.  Think, one more day.  

Some days it feels like a battle.  The times when you're laying half upside-down to keep baby in.  Eating when you're not hungry.  Doing things you had never thought you'd do (oh the # of pills I take!).  Do you know how helpless you feel, all alone at home having done all you can, laying in the bath trying to will your contractions to stop?

But we're not in this fight alone!  Ben takes such amazing care of me!!!  The deaconesses and families from our church are making meals for us - HUGE blessing!  And there's a whole army of prayer warriors going forward with us through this time.  Thank you to each and every one of you who is involved in some way!

God is with me, holding baby in His strong Hands.

I really love listening to uplifting worship music - helps me forget my fears and focus on Jesus. :)

Just listen to the lyrics:

Higher than the mountains that I face

Stronger than the power of the grave

Constant in the trial and the change

This one thing remains...

It overwhelms and satisfies my soul 


And I never, ever, 
have to be afraid...

This one thing, remains...


Well, everybody's got a story to tell

I want to believe there's beauty here

'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on

I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out

"God please take this"?

How many times have you given me strength to

Just keep breathing?

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan

And I, I am so afraid

Oh I need you

God, I need you now.

I can count a million times

People asking me how I

Can praise You with all that I've gone through

...

It's never really ever crossed my mind

To turn my back on you, oh Lord

My only shelter from the storm

But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace

Bring the chance to be free

Bring me anything that brings You glory

And I know there'll be days

When this life brings me pain

But if that's what it takes to praise You

Jesus, bring the rain

Perfect for spring! :)

This website has some easy to understand information on my specific condition and is a great encouragement for anyone going through a similar pregnancy:

http://www.keepemcookin.com/prevention.aspx

If you're looking at the charts on the website, my numbers are:

18 weeks 2.4cm

22 weeks (now) 1.8cm

If it keeps progressing at the current rate it will be 1.2cm at 24 weeks

Some specific things you can pray for:

• Baby would STAY IN until full term!!!  
• Baby would ride high, gain weight and his lungs would develop sooner than normal (better weight and breathing would help him survive if born early)
• I would not have contractions
• Wisdom and peace of mind as we are having to make hard decisions
• Things would look improved at our next appointment in 2 weeks and it could be a testament to God's healing hand!

Our goals:

At 24 weeks about 25-30% of babies survive with LOTS of help, 28 weeks almost all survive in NICU most without long-term complications, about 36 weeks baby can be strong enough to breath/eat on his own without all the machine help, 37-40 weeks is considered full term!  

Thank you for praying!

On Pets and Pregnancy (Pregnancy part 2)

Sometimes I feel distant from my own body - like I'm taking care of a pet.  Is it really me that is walking funny, feeling funny, not-skinny-any-more-but-somehow-still-small, and doesn't have much energy?  And my pile of vitamins!  I have to take so many I call them my "granny pills".  I have always hated vitamins.  This take-it-easy, eat healthy, less crazy daredevil is hardly like Naomi.  It's like another person living in my body.  Bingo!  Oh yeah, that's right, that's what it is!

And now this pet.  

See, this pet is quite demanding.  It needs food.  LOTS of food, in fact, but can't eat too much all at once unless we want to feel like after Thanksgiving dinner.  And if I let it get hungry, it feels sick and threatens to throw up the next thing I feed it (does that not make sense, or what??!).  And it likes three types of food, and it knows which it wants at what time.  Our new diet has 3 food groups - carbs, protein, vegetables/fruit.  It must be like a young housepet - and we must be in the potty training phase - because we have got to pee all the time!  And I must give it lots of water.  (Probably not helping with the # of trips to the bathroom, but it must have it's water!)  And then the pampering.  I almost feel bad wasting hot water on baths, but Ben says if it relaxes the poor pet, it's ok.  Then it needs vitamin E oil and lotion rubbed on it's tummy to prevent ugly stretch marks from appearing.  Whew!  It is vain!  Not only that, it then wants monthly professional pictures to have a record of how it has grown.  And since it is growing, it insists on needing new clothes that are bigger, so we make trips to the store trying to find something that will work.  It needs more sleep than me at night and then still has the audacity to act like it wants a nap!  The Dr. says I must listen to it and try to figure out what it wants and then give it to it.  Darn thing, it's going to be spoiled!  What about me???  It takes a lot of my energy taking care of this pet!  And I must give up things that I like - climbing trees, amusement park rides, heavy work, downhill skiing, and all other things wild and crazy that are so much fun - in order to take care of my pet!  I must be calm for it and cater to it, so it... can help me take care of baby! :)

So. Pregnancy. (pregnancy part 1)

What has it been like for me?  I think it is a different journey for every mother-to-be, and one that I'm finding does not fit into the box of "normal" very often at all.

1st trimester:
Nice person inquiring, "Now how have you been feeling?"  Which must be the #1 most common asked questions to pregnant moms.  To the tune of 379 times a day [or something].  What they really mean to ask, and are just stating it nicer, is, "Have you been puking your guts out sick as a dog, hating all smells and foods, hardly able to get out of bed?"  Well, I didn't get morning sickness, but I WAS sick.  I set some sort of personal record not having a single day 'well' in the whole month of January.  Blah.  I managed to catch everything that was going around - Influenza A/the flu for two weeks followed immediately by a bad cold and just when I thought it was to the tail end of that... I caught another cold!  I had a terrible cough throughout and basically lost my voice - couldn't sing for six weeks.  I learned this is indirectly caused by pregnancy because your immune system is down (actually a good thing so it doesn't fight off the "foreign object" in your body - baby!), but it's still rough when pregnant during sick season!  Cool how God made our bodies work though, with the way our immune system naturally lowers itself to keep baby safe! :)  So that was the first three months!

Now, don't get me wrong; I am incredibly excited for end result [product], just maybe not so sure if I like the process.  But a baby is a wonderful blessing, so whatever it takes to get there, right?

2nd trimester:
I'm just part way through this one... month 4 was happy as some of my energy (after being sick for a month!) came back and I was excited to be super active and productive!
Other random uh... happiness? from pregnancy and a facial expression to go with each one:

• It took a while, but I have finally gotten used to not being able to see my waist.  Ha! :P
• I am so sick of making trips to the bathroom.  #pregnantmamasgottapee! :(
• My poor cute jeans are out; I can't wear anything except stretchy-waisted pants :/
• Only two slight "emotional" times... no pregnancy hormones? :D
• No major food cravings, though I do love chicken! :)
• I have REVERSE chocolate cravings - I used to like it... I thought I liked it... so sad, I could have this amazing reason to have tons of chocolate to satisfy a pregnancy craving and I have NO desire for it anymore!  I could care less! :'(

My amazing mother, and mother-in-law, and most women I knew growing up seemed to have relatively 'easy' pregnancies.  As in, it didn't phase them and they lived life as usual.  I envisioned being just like that, busy, energetic and active - hot summer and all - up until the very day the baby popped out!  Work, gardening, house decorating projects and life as usual, oh and by the way, I'm pregnant.

This is a huge misconception I had about pregnancy, because I am experiencing first hand, and finding through almost everyone I've talked to, that a 'normal' healthy pregnancy is less common that I thought.  Being told to "slow down" and "take it easy" was not exactly my picture of pregnant-super-mom.  But this is the road God has called me to travel.  It's not the same for everyone.  It might not go according to the books.  Everyone has their own experience.  This is my pregnancy journey.

20-weeks is halfway to the finish... of the start!

Travel Postponed

We have been waiting for this day for longer than we waited for our wedding day.  Like, two years - since we got married.  And a whole year before that while we were dating... three years really, that we have been hoping, dreaming, planning, saving $$ for and looking forward to this day.  Our 7-week trip was all planned out, starting off with a visit to the ship Logos Hope which is currently sailing in Asia, but more importantly to see Hong Kong where I grew up and visit my family where they live now, in mainland China.  "The trip of a decade!" we tease, since it's really not an affordable vacation to do often!  I have been SO EXCITED to take Ben back to my childhood roots and get to experience the culture of my previous home(s) together!!!

Then it crashed.  Not our plane.  Because... we weren't actually on one yet.  The dream.  Our China trip dream that was so close to happening we could almost smell the jet fuel and feel the humid tropical air.  But instead of leaving the Sanford Women's Clinic with the letter I requested - you know, the one that reassures airlines and the like that I am 18 weeks along, pregnancy is going well and I am perfectly fit to travel - I carry home a letter with the dreaded words, "She has a complication of pregnancy that was discovered today that makes it inadvisable to travel."

Inadvisable to travel.

Wow!  The whole picture can change so fast!  This isn't even the roller-coaster ride we've been on already that I was referring to at the end of my last post.  The 'complication' is that I am at risk for preterm labor due to a short cervix.  Hopefully this is just how my body is and I will go full term and then in the future it should not be a cause for concern.  However, since it is my first pregnancy (the very first was a miscarriage, so second actually) it is an unknown with no previous good pregnancies to fall back on, and all the signs point to at risk for preterm labor.  One of the things that has been proven to cause significantly more contractions (a bad thing if you have a short cervix) is travel, especially prolonged/overseas travel, thus heightening the risk that my body would go into labor way too early.  Aside from this is the fact that China (or the middle of the ocean on Logos Hope) does not have as good of medical care available as here - for me more so, were something to happen, because it would be too early for the baby to survive either place.

Thirteen hours before our plane left, and we had to make one of the hardest decisions ever so far.  Neither Ben nor I felt comfortable putting our little boy at unnecessary risk for our selfish reasons.  So we made the difficult choice to call off our trip at this time and are doing all in our power to help this pregnancy go full term.  Like our CNM said, "It won't be the last time your children will cause a change in your plans!"  We are trusting God that He will take care of our little one and that our trip will happen in His time!  

We don't know what God is doing or trying to teach us.  I don't know why He gives and takes away and gives again... only to take away again.  This was not how I wanted pregnancy to be.  I am enjoying this second trimester high energy and I was hoping to be highly active throughout and the kind of mom who's 8.5 months pregnant and out hoeing the garden and doing hard work without it phasing her one bit!  Why did the first one have to be a miscarriage?  Why is the second one this way?  Never did I imagine I would be the mother begging God that baby stays in the womb just one more day... and one more.  Why oh why can't I have a normal pregnancy??!

Having to postpone our trip is a LOT of disappointment for us.  We were SO looking forward to this trip and seeing my family and... everything!  Obviously we didn't make the decision lightly.  If something were to happen, I don't know if I could live with myself, without blaming myself or thinking maybe it's our fault because we heightened our risk by traveling.  Since there ARE things we can do to lessen the risk we are taking the recommendations of my very common sense midwife and certified nurse midwife.  In addition to not traveling, I am not supposed to lift much and not do (very much) exercise and lower my activity level and some other things.  Being a very active person this is pretty hard for me. :/  If seven weeks from now baby has not come (hopefully!) then I'm sure we'll play the second guessing yourself game and wonder if we would have been alright even if traveling.  But then again that might have been too much and may have caused a different outcome.  So we may never know.

One thing we do know; as devastated as we are, God has given us an indescribable peace about staying!  (After knowing what we know, we did not have a peace about going, even though that is what I wanted.)  Surprisingly we even had a good day today!

We are taking a few days away to process things and take these big changes one day at a time.  All we can do is trust God and hold our dreams in an open hand.

THE GOOD NEWS is that our sweet little baby is a BOY and he's growing strong and healthy and perfectly on track.  He's 7oz. now and moving around A LOT even though I haven't felt it yet! :)  18 weeks along today!  Praise God that we had an appointment BEFORE leaving (this almost didn't happen).

Here are some milestones you can pray with us for our little boy to meet (hopefully all still safely in the womb!):

According to what my CNM said...

24 weeks - about the earliest babies can survive with the highest technology in the States

28 weeks - 100% of premie babies survive, with less than 10% having long-term issues 

36 weeks - baby can survive without NICU (some at 34 weeks)

40 weeks - full term

Praise the Lord that Delta Airlines refunded our biggest flight tickets 100%, and Ben is working hard communicating with the others.  We would appreciate your prayers that we would be able to get money back from the other two flights as well!  Our China visas last a year, so it's possible we could go after our little guy is born!

Proverbs 16:9  The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.


Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

pinks & blues

Pink Easter Bonnet Daffodils for a girl, Blue Scillas for a boy!

We'll meet you in heaven, little one! <3

A Special Day

Today is a special day!  Today is a birthday - the actual would-have-been birth day - of our first child!  It was my due date.  Funny how I don't remember off the top of my head which day I had the miscarriage, but this day, May 3rd, is forever seared in my memory.

I hope the angels have a party for you, Baby.  Sunshine and colorful balloons and fluffy cotton-candy clouds!  Oh, how I miss to see what your face looks like!  

And oh the irony - cruel, cruel irony.  Instead of having a baby in my arms, I am practicing a flip on the trampoline, still a child myself.  Life is very different than it would have been.

Out of six pregnancies that I knew of - my own mom and my mother-in-law included - 5 out of 6 of the babies died (including vanishing twin syndrome and a stillbirth).  With my first pregnancy experience ending in miscarriage, and being surrounded by all these others, it is hard to believe that we can have a 'normal' healthy pregnancy and baby someday.  So I want to introduce to you, on this special day, the baby who brought hope... the ONE baby who lived!!!

Lilly Claire  born March 4, 2012 :)

She is special to me in a deeper way because she signifies LIFE and HOPE and JOY!  And she gives me COURAGE, that maybe next time the outcome will be different; that someday we can have a baby!  (And we will get to meet little Lilly in June!  Yay!!!  Our friends live in far away WI. :P)

Later pictures will be coming of the bulbs we planted that are blooming this week!

"Our baby is in Jesus' Arms now"

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”  Job 1:21 (ESV)

Ben got these flowers for me the day before you went to be with Jesus

Baby, 

This is the only (sort of) "family" picture we have...  Your dad is a photographer you know.  We were going to get some amazing pictures of you and us...  He and I loved you very much!  We were excited to meet you, but I guess now we have to wait a little longer.  Your Uncles and Aunts and Grandparents-to-be were very excited too - one of your uncles had been praying for a long time that you would come.  He wanted to give you four-wheeler rides, go exploring with you and show you how to catch minnows in the pond.  Mama had a lot of dreams for you too!  I was going to have a baby for the first time!  You were going to be born in the spring and all summer I would keep you nearby as we planted a garden, made supper for Daddy coming home, and kept our house tidy.  We hoped to be moved into our new house before you arrived.  We wanted you to have a really nice home to grow up in.  You would grow up healthy and free in the country.  Some days you might have even gone to work with Dad and gotten a lolly at the hardware store!  Dad would also teach you how to work on cars, fix pipes and wire stuff, though if you were a girl you'd be more interested in the kittens that play in the shop!  You would be Mama's little helper!  I was looking forward to building forts with you in the woods, teaching you your ABC's and letting you pursue your interests.  We were going to keep each other company while Dad is at work every day.  He works so hard for us, and he loved you too you know.Well, I need to go and stop crying and try to be cheerful for your Daddy!  It's supper time.  Just wanted to let you know that we miss you.   

Love, your Mama

Even though I was eight weeks along, we think the baby died or stopped developing at seven weeks (this is what it looked like).

I never got to sing you a lullaby so I'll have to sing this "Lullaby of Love".  It's a really neat song for anyone who's lost a little one through miscarriage.

And in memory of you we're going to plant a tree -- someday -- maybe in the spring.  Because trees are growing, and living, and full of LIFE!  Just as you are, in heaven with Jesus. :')