Letting Go

Spring being a time of graduations, its probably something you think of then.  Not 18 years before.  But yes, I MUST face it, I must start thinking about it.  I must start preparing myself for the hardest thing a mother has to do. From birth to graduation, something she has to do little by little 365 days a year of her child's life.

Letting go.

Now is the time, the only time and for the last time, that I will hold our little one this tight and this close.  I will savor it while I can.  Birth starts the process of letting go.  We won't 'be one' anymore; he won't be in me.  He will come out and be his own individual, separate from me with his own thoughts, ideas and dreams.  Leaving the womb he starts his journey of leaving me.  Developmental milestones are steps towards independence; all working towards one day pushing him out of the nest.  School age comes and though you may think that with home school you get to hold them a little longer, that is really not true.  You must let them explore and discover and be free to make (small) mistakes and bad decisions.  They must learn that actions have consequences because you will not always be there to guide and protect, and that is how the real world works.  As they get older they will have ideas, and in a safe environment, you must let them follow their child-dreams, knowing that this sets the precedent for who you believe they can become later in life.  You must be their cheerleader, their biggest fan, though you know that each victory is a step away from you.  And then the teen years.  Some freedom and some rules, allowing them the responsibility (though painful sometimes) for many of their own decisions now.  If they do not find their wings gradually, it will be a hard fall when they shoot out of the nest.  It is paramount that they develop their own convictions and identity as an individual, preventing them from being as easily swayed by those around them later in life.  Pray that the worldview you have instilled in them since birth will give them their own solid foundation, even as the gap between them and the family widens.  And then the cap and the tassel and the tears.  The tears?  But you knew this day was coming.  Will they be tears of pride and joy or of guilt and regret?  You must prepare them well, mother.  Prepare them for leaving you.

That is why it is the present tense.  Letting go.  It is a conscious act, a choice of attitude, every single day.  From the first toddling baby step to walking down the aisle, every step is one more step to leaving you.  And the job is never done; the letting go never accomplished and filed in the past tense.  Because it is an act of the will, this releasing control, to see them as adults and respect that they are their own people.  Counsel, comfort and friendship yes, but you hold them no longer in your arms.

Dear mother, cherish each moment you have your child close for these few fleeting years!  Hold them with an open hand for God did not give them to you to keep.  Birth starts the process of letting go (sometimes God asks us to let go of them even before birth), but smile through your tears, new mama - once a mother, a mom forever - you will always hold your child in your heart!

“Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is.The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.”                  
― Kaleel Jamison

Parenting

The best, concise, biblical parenting advice/teaching I have ever heard!  Forget the scores of parenting books, listen to this ONE sermon.



What did you think?  I'd love to hear your comments!

So. Pregnancy. (pregnancy part 1)

What has it been like for me?  I think it is a different journey for every mother-to-be, and one that I'm finding does not fit into the box of "normal" very often at all.

1st trimester:
Nice person inquiring, "Now how have you been feeling?"  Which must be the #1 most common asked questions to pregnant moms.  To the tune of 379 times a day [or something].  What they really mean to ask, and are just stating it nicer, is, "Have you been puking your guts out sick as a dog, hating all smells and foods, hardly able to get out of bed?"  Well, I didn't get morning sickness, but I WAS sick.  I set some sort of personal record not having a single day 'well' in the whole month of January.  Blah.  I managed to catch everything that was going around - Influenza A/the flu for two weeks followed immediately by a bad cold and just when I thought it was to the tail end of that... I caught another cold!  I had a terrible cough throughout and basically lost my voice - couldn't sing for six weeks.  I learned this is indirectly caused by pregnancy because your immune system is down (actually a good thing so it doesn't fight off the "foreign object" in your body - baby!), but it's still rough when pregnant during sick season!  Cool how God made our bodies work though, with the way our immune system naturally lowers itself to keep baby safe! :)  So that was the first three months!

Now, don't get me wrong; I am incredibly excited for end result [product], just maybe not so sure if I like the process.  But a baby is a wonderful blessing, so whatever it takes to get there, right?

2nd trimester:
I'm just part way through this one... month 4 was happy as some of my energy (after being sick for a month!) came back and I was excited to be super active and productive!
Other random uh... happiness? from pregnancy and a facial expression to go with each one:

• It took a while, but I have finally gotten used to not being able to see my waist.  Ha! :P
• I am so sick of making trips to the bathroom.  #pregnantmamasgottapee! :(
• My poor cute jeans are out; I can't wear anything except stretchy-waisted pants :/
• Only two slight "emotional" times... no pregnancy hormones? :D
• No major food cravings, though I do love chicken! :)
• I have REVERSE chocolate cravings - I used to like it... I thought I liked it... so sad, I could have this amazing reason to have tons of chocolate to satisfy a pregnancy craving and I have NO desire for it anymore!  I could care less! :'(

My amazing mother, and mother-in-law, and most women I knew growing up seemed to have relatively 'easy' pregnancies.  As in, it didn't phase them and they lived life as usual.  I envisioned being just like that, busy, energetic and active - hot summer and all - up until the very day the baby popped out!  Work, gardening, house decorating projects and life as usual, oh and by the way, I'm pregnant.

This is a huge misconception I had about pregnancy, because I am experiencing first hand, and finding through almost everyone I've talked to, that a 'normal' healthy pregnancy is less common that I thought.  Being told to "slow down" and "take it easy" was not exactly my picture of pregnant-super-mom.  But this is the road God has called me to travel.  It's not the same for everyone.  It might not go according to the books.  Everyone has their own experience.  This is my pregnancy journey.

20-weeks is halfway to the finish... of the start!

The Trip

Long story made short (trust me, this is going somewhere!  Actually, literally!  WE are GOING somewhere!!!  But I must not get ahead of myself...)

I spent 17 years of my childhood (and teen-hood) overseas.
In Hong Kong and mainland China to be exact.
My family is still there.
Different culture/currency/language/holidays/you-name-it.
All things mentioned above formed who I am today.

That's it in a nutshell.  Though Ben has heard some stories, and yes, he's met my family, he hasn't experienced Asia; hasn't SEEN where I grew up.  Something must be done to remedy this!

SO WE ARE TAKING A TRIP!  Now this is not just a little "oh, let's take a quick little trip!" trip.  Oh, no!  We have been saving $$ for it for almost two years (it didn't take that long, though trip savings was in addition to our regular save-for-a-house and retirement savings).  A year ago we put some dates on the calendar for this spring so we would have some end goal/projected dates of travel.  Those dates are coming up and... we are actually going!  I say that with some surprise because you see, it's been a roller coaster of a ride not knowing exactly when we would be going!

When my grandparents went in the late fall of 2012, we looked up quick and briefly threw around the crazy idea of going with, but it was too short-notice and too busy a time for us - it was just not feasible. So we were thinking this winter/spring.  But then Sam (Ben's boss, also happens to be his dad :)) had rotator cuff surgery on his right shoulder.  With one guy out of four (the most well-trained and the leader at that) out of commission, we didn't feel right about leaving as long as Ben was needed to be his right-hand man.  So we would maybe postpone our trip to the fall?  We weren't really sure.  However, still enduring pretty severe daily (and nightly) pain, Sam is pushing through and bounced back faster than we thought in a lot of ways.  He's driving, taking phone calls, handling the business and doing service calls like normal, except for not lifting things (and all the above things with one hand).  It will make it tougher for the business, no doubt, but mom and dad are the type to seize remarkable opportunities and encourage their kids to do the same.  So they are encouraging us to go! :)

Of course my parents are overjoyed and we are super excited to see them!!!!

We will be leaving in March and coming home in April!  More stories of our already adventurous roller-coaster-emotions of a trip coming soon!!!

A Special Day

Today is a special day!  Today is a birthday - the actual would-have-been birth day - of our first child!  It was my due date.  Funny how I don't remember off the top of my head which day I had the miscarriage, but this day, May 3rd, is forever seared in my memory.

I hope the angels have a party for you, Baby.  Sunshine and colorful balloons and fluffy cotton-candy clouds!  Oh, how I miss to see what your face looks like!  

And oh the irony - cruel, cruel irony.  Instead of having a baby in my arms, I am practicing a flip on the trampoline, still a child myself.  Life is very different than it would have been.

Out of six pregnancies that I knew of - my own mom and my mother-in-law included - 5 out of 6 of the babies died (including vanishing twin syndrome and a stillbirth).  With my first pregnancy experience ending in miscarriage, and being surrounded by all these others, it is hard to believe that we can have a 'normal' healthy pregnancy and baby someday.  So I want to introduce to you, on this special day, the baby who brought hope... the ONE baby who lived!!!

Lilly Claire  born March 4, 2012 :)

She is special to me in a deeper way because she signifies LIFE and HOPE and JOY!  And she gives me COURAGE, that maybe next time the outcome will be different; that someday we can have a baby!  (And we will get to meet little Lilly in June!  Yay!!!  Our friends live in far away WI. :P)

Later pictures will be coming of the bulbs we planted that are blooming this week!

'I belong to no one'

What would it be like to belong to no one?

It's almost christmas - I don't have my grandparent's or parent's home to go to... because I simply don't have family.  None.  Zilch.  I am a family of one.  Except, I don't think 'family' can be singular.  If there's only one it's 'alone'.  Yup, that's me; I don't belong to anyone. 

I don't have a curfew, which many teenagers might envy.  But I just wish there were someone who cares what time I come home... or if I come home at all.  I wish I would have a real home to come back to.  Looking to the future it would be cool to get married someday.  But I need to find another loner like me.  It wouldn't be fair to him that I would get a family out of the deal because I don't have family he'd be joining.  I will never have a Dad to walk me down the aisle. 

I had dreams too, you know.  I imagined being pushed on a swing by a smiling person called Mom.  My 6-year-old joy would have been indescribable!  I wanted to know what it would be like to have a Grandma who baked the best pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving.  Would I help roll out pie crust or would I be outside with Grandpa showing me how to shoot a rifle?  How about as a family to go sledding in the park in the winter?  In my mind's eye I could see us walking across the snow, seeing all the other fathers out with their daughters having the best Saturday of their life, at least it would be of mine!  But it's all in the past tense because it's too late for me to make any of those childhood memories.
Age 17 was my last chance for a normal life.  That was the year I heard someone say, "My plate's full.  I have a full house!  God's given me enough with my own two grown children, one teenager at home yet and grandkids coming over..."  I'm only 5'1 since I was preemie; I don't take up much room.  And no space for me in their mansion of a house?  Did they not read in the Bible the 47 times it says to care for the orphans?     

I waited a long time for a family and they never came.  I don't have a family and I never will.  I'll never get my turn to be someone's kid because I 'aged-out'.... of the System.    

Suzanne L. __________  

Age 18, American Foster Care System   

P.S.  I am Suzanne Lauren __________, with no last name because I belong to no one.

"Our baby is in Jesus' Arms now"

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”  Job 1:21 (ESV)

Ben got these flowers for me the day before you went to be with Jesus

Baby, 

This is the only (sort of) "family" picture we have...  Your dad is a photographer you know.  We were going to get some amazing pictures of you and us...  He and I loved you very much!  We were excited to meet you, but I guess now we have to wait a little longer.  Your Uncles and Aunts and Grandparents-to-be were very excited too - one of your uncles had been praying for a long time that you would come.  He wanted to give you four-wheeler rides, go exploring with you and show you how to catch minnows in the pond.  Mama had a lot of dreams for you too!  I was going to have a baby for the first time!  You were going to be born in the spring and all summer I would keep you nearby as we planted a garden, made supper for Daddy coming home, and kept our house tidy.  We hoped to be moved into our new house before you arrived.  We wanted you to have a really nice home to grow up in.  You would grow up healthy and free in the country.  Some days you might have even gone to work with Dad and gotten a lolly at the hardware store!  Dad would also teach you how to work on cars, fix pipes and wire stuff, though if you were a girl you'd be more interested in the kittens that play in the shop!  You would be Mama's little helper!  I was looking forward to building forts with you in the woods, teaching you your ABC's and letting you pursue your interests.  We were going to keep each other company while Dad is at work every day.  He works so hard for us, and he loved you too you know.Well, I need to go and stop crying and try to be cheerful for your Daddy!  It's supper time.  Just wanted to let you know that we miss you.   

Love, your Mama

Even though I was eight weeks along, we think the baby died or stopped developing at seven weeks (this is what it looked like).

I never got to sing you a lullaby so I'll have to sing this "Lullaby of Love".  It's a really neat song for anyone who's lost a little one through miscarriage.

And in memory of you we're going to plant a tree -- someday -- maybe in the spring.  Because trees are growing, and living, and full of LIFE!  Just as you are, in heaven with Jesus. :')