Then it crashed. Not our plane. Because... we weren't actually on one yet. The dream. Our China trip dream that was so close to happening we could almost smell the jet fuel and feel the humid tropical air. But instead of leaving the Sanford Women's Clinic with the letter I requested - you know, the one that reassures airlines and the like that I am 18 weeks along, pregnancy is going well and I am perfectly fit to travel - I carry home a letter with the dreaded words, "She has a complication of pregnancy that was discovered today that makes it inadvisable to travel."
Inadvisable to travel.
Wow! The whole picture can change so fast! This isn't even the roller-coaster ride we've been on already that I was referring to at the end of my last post. The 'complication' is that I am at risk for preterm labor due to a short cervix. Hopefully this is just how my body is and I will go full term and then in the future it should not be a cause for concern. However, since it is my first pregnancy (the very first was a miscarriage, so second actually) it is an unknown with no previous good pregnancies to fall back on, and all the signs point to at risk for preterm labor. One of the things that has been proven to cause significantly more contractions (a bad thing if you have a short cervix) is travel, especially prolonged/overseas travel, thus heightening the risk that my body would go into labor way too early. Aside from this is the fact that China (or the middle of the ocean on Logos Hope) does not have as good of medical care available as here - for me more so, were something to happen, because it would be too early for the baby to survive either place.
Thirteen hours before our plane left, and we had to make one of the hardest decisions ever so far. Neither Ben nor I felt comfortable putting our little boy at unnecessary risk for our selfish reasons. So we made the difficult choice to call off our trip at this time and are doing all in our power to help this pregnancy go full term. Like our CNM said, "It won't be the last time your children will cause a change in your plans!" We are trusting God that He will take care of our little one and that our trip will happen in His time!
We don't know what God is doing or trying to teach us. I don't know why He gives and takes away and gives again... only to take away again. This was not how I wanted pregnancy to be. I am enjoying this second trimester high energy and I was hoping to be highly active throughout and the kind of mom who's 8.5 months pregnant and out hoeing the garden and doing hard work without it phasing her one bit! Why did the first one have to be a miscarriage? Why is the second one this way? Never did I imagine I would be the mother begging God that baby stays in the womb just one more day... and one more. Why oh why can't I have a normal pregnancy??!
Having to postpone our trip is a LOT of disappointment for us. We were SO looking forward to this trip and seeing my family and... everything! Obviously we didn't make the decision lightly. If something were to happen, I don't know if I could live with myself, without blaming myself or thinking maybe it's our fault because we heightened our risk by traveling. Since there ARE things we can do to lessen the risk we are taking the recommendations of my very common sense midwife and certified nurse midwife. In addition to not traveling, I am not supposed to lift much and not do (very much) exercise and lower my activity level and some other things. Being a very active person this is pretty hard for me. :/ If seven weeks from now baby has not come (hopefully!) then I'm sure we'll play the second guessing yourself game and wonder if we would have been alright even if traveling. But then again that might have been too much and may have caused a different outcome. So we may never know.
One thing we do know; as devastated as we are, God has given us an indescribable peace about staying! (After knowing what we know, we did not have a peace about going, even though that is what I wanted.) Surprisingly we even had a good day today!
We are taking a few days away to process things and take these big changes one day at a time. All we can do is trust God and hold our dreams in an open hand.
THE GOOD NEWS is that our sweet little baby is a BOY and he's growing strong and healthy and perfectly on track. He's 7oz. now and moving around A LOT even though I haven't felt it yet! :) 18 weeks along today! Praise God that we had an appointment BEFORE leaving (this almost didn't happen).
Here are some milestones you can pray with us for our little boy to meet (hopefully all still safely in the womb!):
According to what my CNM said...
24 weeks - about the earliest babies can survive with the highest technology in the States
28 weeks - 100% of premie babies survive, with less than 10% having long-term issues
36 weeks - baby can survive without NICU (some at 34 weeks)
40 weeks - full term
Praise the Lord that Delta Airlines refunded our biggest flight tickets 100%, and Ben is working hard communicating with the others. We would appreciate your prayers that we would be able to get money back from the other two flights as well! Our China visas last a year, so it's possible we could go after our little guy is born!
Proverbs 16:9 The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
I am so sorry that you guys can't go right now! But your attitude of choosing to accept God's plan with joy is encouraging. I will be praying for y'all!!!
ReplyDeleteLove you Naomi!