So. Pregnancy. (pregnancy part 1)

What has it been like for me?  I think it is a different journey for every mother-to-be, and one that I'm finding does not fit into the box of "normal" very often at all.

1st trimester:
Nice person inquiring, "Now how have you been feeling?"  Which must be the #1 most common asked questions to pregnant moms.  To the tune of 379 times a day [or something].  What they really mean to ask, and are just stating it nicer, is, "Have you been puking your guts out sick as a dog, hating all smells and foods, hardly able to get out of bed?"  Well, I didn't get morning sickness, but I WAS sick.  I set some sort of personal record not having a single day 'well' in the whole month of January.  Blah.  I managed to catch everything that was going around - Influenza A/the flu for two weeks followed immediately by a bad cold and just when I thought it was to the tail end of that... I caught another cold!  I had a terrible cough throughout and basically lost my voice - couldn't sing for six weeks.  I learned this is indirectly caused by pregnancy because your immune system is down (actually a good thing so it doesn't fight off the "foreign object" in your body - baby!), but it's still rough when pregnant during sick season!  Cool how God made our bodies work though, with the way our immune system naturally lowers itself to keep baby safe! :)  So that was the first three months!

Now, don't get me wrong; I am incredibly excited for end result [product], just maybe not so sure if I like the process.  But a baby is a wonderful blessing, so whatever it takes to get there, right?

2nd trimester:
I'm just part way through this one... month 4 was happy as some of my energy (after being sick for a month!) came back and I was excited to be super active and productive!
Other random uh... happiness? from pregnancy and a facial expression to go with each one:

• It took a while, but I have finally gotten used to not being able to see my waist.  Ha! :P
• I am so sick of making trips to the bathroom.  #pregnantmamasgottapee! :(
• My poor cute jeans are out; I can't wear anything except stretchy-waisted pants :/
• Only two slight "emotional" times... no pregnancy hormones? :D
• No major food cravings, though I do love chicken! :)
• I have REVERSE chocolate cravings - I used to like it... I thought I liked it... so sad, I could have this amazing reason to have tons of chocolate to satisfy a pregnancy craving and I have NO desire for it anymore!  I could care less! :'(

My amazing mother, and mother-in-law, and most women I knew growing up seemed to have relatively 'easy' pregnancies.  As in, it didn't phase them and they lived life as usual.  I envisioned being just like that, busy, energetic and active - hot summer and all - up until the very day the baby popped out!  Work, gardening, house decorating projects and life as usual, oh and by the way, I'm pregnant.

This is a huge misconception I had about pregnancy, because I am experiencing first hand, and finding through almost everyone I've talked to, that a 'normal' healthy pregnancy is less common that I thought.  Being told to "slow down" and "take it easy" was not exactly my picture of pregnant-super-mom.  But this is the road God has called me to travel.  It's not the same for everyone.  It might not go according to the books.  Everyone has their own experience.  This is my pregnancy journey.

20-weeks is halfway to the finish... of the start!

My One Word for 2013

Those of you who know me know I love words!  I like writing, I take notes, I doodle words!  I gravitate towards wall plaques and interior decorating that uses words.  Ok, I think you get the idea!

I also have big aspirations and make optimistic New Year resolutions.  Falling right in with statistics, I make too many and am unrealistic in what I think I can accomplish and... they don't last very long.  *sigh*  Who doesn't do that though?  Even my daily to-do lists and goals are set so high they are almost impossible to complete in 24 hours, let alone the few hours after work.

So when Ben and I listened to a podcast interviewing two authors who together wrote the book, One Word that will Change Your Life, I was instantly intrigued.  The magical word - if I could just buy the book so I knew what it was - there would be hope for such a failure at New Year's resolutions as me!  (Isn't that how they make you think though?)  Actually, it's not quite how I thought; not a one-word-fixes-all situation.  Because *spoiler warning inserted here* the 'one word' is different for all of us.

You can listen to 'Casting the Vision with Dan Briton and Jimmy Page' by following that link (you will have to look for the one titled 'Casting the Vision...' as I couldn't link directly to it only).

This is the idea of a one-word year:

It's not setting to do goals, but rather to be goals; it's not what you want to accomplish, it's who you want to become in one year.  Discovering that word that's meant for you that cuts through all the clutter and chaos and creates simplicity, power and focus. 

It's not simply picking a word. ... As you... listen to God... it's a process of surrender, receiving the word God has for you that year and then living it out. 

We're looking for a God-word, not a good word. 

1. Look in - Prepare your heart (unplug, de-clutter, introspective time thinking about what God may have for you to learn)
2. Look up - Discover your word (it may not be the word you want; it is the word God wants for you!)
3. Look out - Live your word (share your word, tell others, and work on becoming who God wants you to be)

A couple other good quotes from the podcast:

Don't try to do everything.  In the pursuit of trying to do everything, you don't do anything as well as you would like.   

Leadership is about character, not as much about what you accomplish.

An interesting thing to note is that often busyness stands in the way of hearing from God (because we don't take the time to think and listen) and living out who He actually wants us to be because we're just so busy... doing.  Our culture sees busyness as a badge of honor, even to the point of (subconsciously?) bragging about our schedules when we meet our friends in the grocery store, trying to outdo each other with the number of things we are busy with.  "...but I am just so BUSY!"  One word cuts down on some of the busyness (trying to keep up with New Year resolutions, anyone?), is easy to remember and helps narrow our focus down to one theme for the year, and as God works in us to refine our character, it will affect every area of our life.

Success.  Inspire.  Dreams.  Graceful.  Purpose.  Balance. Opportunity. 

These are all words I would have wanted.  As we listened through the podcast, of course my mind started racing, trying to pick a word for my year.  Until they got to the part about how God chooses it for you.  My initial reaction was, How do I figure that out?!  Because I'd like to know NOW!  Then it all started to come together.

I already have my word!  Not a word of my choosing, but I know with certainty that it is God's word for me for this year.  In fact, I already wrote about it at the beginning of the year, here, when it was on my mind a ton.  Funny, how I'd almost forgotten about it until recent, when that theme presented itself again.

My word is 

Peace.

Right now [with the circumstances of a post-poned trip] God is allowing me to experience indescribable peace.  I have a very hard time accepting a change in plans.  I have expectations.  I need to be notified way in advance so I have time to 'mentally prepare myself' as I call it.  And did I mention, I hate having to be flexible.  If all isn't quite on track, I stress.

I had plans.  I had expectations.  I was not notified in time to prepare myself for the sudden change.  

I could be angry.  I could be bitter.  Certainly I am disappointed.  I could hold these feelings of resentment towards God, or even harbor bitterness towards our baby - it's their fault I feel this way, right?  In circumstances out of my control, my attitude is always my choice!  The Bible warns us to watch out for a root of bitterness and commands us to put these feelings of anger and bitterness away because they do not produce the righteousness of God.  Interesting that anger, bitterness and resentment stem from unmet expectations.  Bitterness only hurts those holding it in their hearts.  It will eat away your joy and harden your heart.  With God's help, and seeing others' examples, I am learning to choose cheerfulness.

I choose life.  I choose joy.  I choose to see my circumstances as a gift, because through it God is letting me experience peace like I never have before.  Kind of cool, how this podcast and idea of one word is helping make sense of what I saw before as a negative situation.    

What word is God trying to give to you?  I choose to accept my word for 2013.  Will you accept yours?

[You can order the book here.]

Travel Postponed

We have been waiting for this day for longer than we waited for our wedding day.  Like, two years - since we got married.  And a whole year before that while we were dating... three years really, that we have been hoping, dreaming, planning, saving $$ for and looking forward to this day.  Our 7-week trip was all planned out, starting off with a visit to the ship Logos Hope which is currently sailing in Asia, but more importantly to see Hong Kong where I grew up and visit my family where they live now, in mainland China.  "The trip of a decade!" we tease, since it's really not an affordable vacation to do often!  I have been SO EXCITED to take Ben back to my childhood roots and get to experience the culture of my previous home(s) together!!!

Then it crashed.  Not our plane.  Because... we weren't actually on one yet.  The dream.  Our China trip dream that was so close to happening we could almost smell the jet fuel and feel the humid tropical air.  But instead of leaving the Sanford Women's Clinic with the letter I requested - you know, the one that reassures airlines and the like that I am 18 weeks along, pregnancy is going well and I am perfectly fit to travel - I carry home a letter with the dreaded words, "She has a complication of pregnancy that was discovered today that makes it inadvisable to travel."

Inadvisable to travel.

Wow!  The whole picture can change so fast!  This isn't even the roller-coaster ride we've been on already that I was referring to at the end of my last post.  The 'complication' is that I am at risk for preterm labor due to a short cervix.  Hopefully this is just how my body is and I will go full term and then in the future it should not be a cause for concern.  However, since it is my first pregnancy (the very first was a miscarriage, so second actually) it is an unknown with no previous good pregnancies to fall back on, and all the signs point to at risk for preterm labor.  One of the things that has been proven to cause significantly more contractions (a bad thing if you have a short cervix) is travel, especially prolonged/overseas travel, thus heightening the risk that my body would go into labor way too early.  Aside from this is the fact that China (or the middle of the ocean on Logos Hope) does not have as good of medical care available as here - for me more so, were something to happen, because it would be too early for the baby to survive either place.

Thirteen hours before our plane left, and we had to make one of the hardest decisions ever so far.  Neither Ben nor I felt comfortable putting our little boy at unnecessary risk for our selfish reasons.  So we made the difficult choice to call off our trip at this time and are doing all in our power to help this pregnancy go full term.  Like our CNM said, "It won't be the last time your children will cause a change in your plans!"  We are trusting God that He will take care of our little one and that our trip will happen in His time!  

We don't know what God is doing or trying to teach us.  I don't know why He gives and takes away and gives again... only to take away again.  This was not how I wanted pregnancy to be.  I am enjoying this second trimester high energy and I was hoping to be highly active throughout and the kind of mom who's 8.5 months pregnant and out hoeing the garden and doing hard work without it phasing her one bit!  Why did the first one have to be a miscarriage?  Why is the second one this way?  Never did I imagine I would be the mother begging God that baby stays in the womb just one more day... and one more.  Why oh why can't I have a normal pregnancy??!

Having to postpone our trip is a LOT of disappointment for us.  We were SO looking forward to this trip and seeing my family and... everything!  Obviously we didn't make the decision lightly.  If something were to happen, I don't know if I could live with myself, without blaming myself or thinking maybe it's our fault because we heightened our risk by traveling.  Since there ARE things we can do to lessen the risk we are taking the recommendations of my very common sense midwife and certified nurse midwife.  In addition to not traveling, I am not supposed to lift much and not do (very much) exercise and lower my activity level and some other things.  Being a very active person this is pretty hard for me. :/  If seven weeks from now baby has not come (hopefully!) then I'm sure we'll play the second guessing yourself game and wonder if we would have been alright even if traveling.  But then again that might have been too much and may have caused a different outcome.  So we may never know.

One thing we do know; as devastated as we are, God has given us an indescribable peace about staying!  (After knowing what we know, we did not have a peace about going, even though that is what I wanted.)  Surprisingly we even had a good day today!

We are taking a few days away to process things and take these big changes one day at a time.  All we can do is trust God and hold our dreams in an open hand.

THE GOOD NEWS is that our sweet little baby is a BOY and he's growing strong and healthy and perfectly on track.  He's 7oz. now and moving around A LOT even though I haven't felt it yet! :)  18 weeks along today!  Praise God that we had an appointment BEFORE leaving (this almost didn't happen).

Here are some milestones you can pray with us for our little boy to meet (hopefully all still safely in the womb!):

According to what my CNM said...

24 weeks - about the earliest babies can survive with the highest technology in the States

28 weeks - 100% of premie babies survive, with less than 10% having long-term issues 

36 weeks - baby can survive without NICU (some at 34 weeks)

40 weeks - full term

Praise the Lord that Delta Airlines refunded our biggest flight tickets 100%, and Ben is working hard communicating with the others.  We would appreciate your prayers that we would be able to get money back from the other two flights as well!  Our China visas last a year, so it's possible we could go after our little guy is born!

Proverbs 16:9  The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.


Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

The Trip

Long story made short (trust me, this is going somewhere!  Actually, literally!  WE are GOING somewhere!!!  But I must not get ahead of myself...)

I spent 17 years of my childhood (and teen-hood) overseas.
In Hong Kong and mainland China to be exact.
My family is still there.
Different culture/currency/language/holidays/you-name-it.
All things mentioned above formed who I am today.

That's it in a nutshell.  Though Ben has heard some stories, and yes, he's met my family, he hasn't experienced Asia; hasn't SEEN where I grew up.  Something must be done to remedy this!

SO WE ARE TAKING A TRIP!  Now this is not just a little "oh, let's take a quick little trip!" trip.  Oh, no!  We have been saving $$ for it for almost two years (it didn't take that long, though trip savings was in addition to our regular save-for-a-house and retirement savings).  A year ago we put some dates on the calendar for this spring so we would have some end goal/projected dates of travel.  Those dates are coming up and... we are actually going!  I say that with some surprise because you see, it's been a roller coaster of a ride not knowing exactly when we would be going!

When my grandparents went in the late fall of 2012, we looked up quick and briefly threw around the crazy idea of going with, but it was too short-notice and too busy a time for us - it was just not feasible. So we were thinking this winter/spring.  But then Sam (Ben's boss, also happens to be his dad :)) had rotator cuff surgery on his right shoulder.  With one guy out of four (the most well-trained and the leader at that) out of commission, we didn't feel right about leaving as long as Ben was needed to be his right-hand man.  So we would maybe postpone our trip to the fall?  We weren't really sure.  However, still enduring pretty severe daily (and nightly) pain, Sam is pushing through and bounced back faster than we thought in a lot of ways.  He's driving, taking phone calls, handling the business and doing service calls like normal, except for not lifting things (and all the above things with one hand).  It will make it tougher for the business, no doubt, but mom and dad are the type to seize remarkable opportunities and encourage their kids to do the same.  So they are encouraging us to go! :)

Of course my parents are overjoyed and we are super excited to see them!!!!

We will be leaving in March and coming home in April!  More stories of our already adventurous roller-coaster-emotions of a trip coming soon!!!

Rippling Effects

Skipping stones this last weekend while camping made me think about money.  Yup, money!  Even though a stone is small, the wavelets that spread out each time the stone skips have far-reaching effects.

Pastor loaned Ben these two DVDs - they were round and smooth... ok, enough with the skipping stones analogy! - to watch as part of pre-marital counseling a year and a half ago.  Those DVDs, on managing finances by Dave Ramsey, started us on a journey that has really just begun!  Nearly every day since then, Ben has listened to the Dave Ramsey Show podcast for wisdom, entertainment, and motivation.  He even called in the other day with a question!


1. Click on the link:  http://www.daveramsey.com/radio/home/#archives-tab
2. Go to "Archives" and choose Thur June 21, 2012
3. Wait for it to load, then move the slider to 1:41 and it will be Ben's call on live air! :)


What have we found out?  We're incredibly grateful to our parents (both sides) for giving us a great foundation and the basic wise principles for handling money - give, save, spend and don't spend more than you make - but we don't want to stop there!  There's so much more to learn!  Investing, mortgages, mutual funds, saving for retirement, how and when to buy a house, emergency fund, life insurance, etc. etc.  There's a great teacher out there for this kind of stuff - Dave Ramsey!  (as Larry Burkett was for our parents' and grandparents' generation)  He teaches smart financial stewardship from a Christian perspective.  Just what we needed!

So we enrolled in (or rather, became group coordinators for) Financial Peace University (FPU), a 13-week course on dumping debt, making a budget, and learning to 'live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else!' (and GIVE like no one else!)  We're doing it with three other young couples, just married or soon to be married.

Cutting up our credit cards!

You CAN live debt free!
You CAN retire rich!
You CAN change your family tree!
 
Try it!  Here's a FREE quick budget tool!  Check it out!

And now guess what??!  It's not just changing the lives of the four couples in the class; by living it out it is impacting a generation up (all of our parents), slowly but surely changing the behavior of coworkers, and even helping other young couples far away make a budget and get inspired!  Lord willing, come fall we'll host the class again and open it up to more families from our church and community!

By God's grace the ripple will become a tsunami.

pinks & blues

Pink Easter Bonnet Daffodils for a girl, Blue Scillas for a boy!

We'll meet you in heaven, little one! <3

A Special Day

Today is a special day!  Today is a birthday - the actual would-have-been birth day - of our first child!  It was my due date.  Funny how I don't remember off the top of my head which day I had the miscarriage, but this day, May 3rd, is forever seared in my memory.

I hope the angels have a party for you, Baby.  Sunshine and colorful balloons and fluffy cotton-candy clouds!  Oh, how I miss to see what your face looks like!  

And oh the irony - cruel, cruel irony.  Instead of having a baby in my arms, I am practicing a flip on the trampoline, still a child myself.  Life is very different than it would have been.

Out of six pregnancies that I knew of - my own mom and my mother-in-law included - 5 out of 6 of the babies died (including vanishing twin syndrome and a stillbirth).  With my first pregnancy experience ending in miscarriage, and being surrounded by all these others, it is hard to believe that we can have a 'normal' healthy pregnancy and baby someday.  So I want to introduce to you, on this special day, the baby who brought hope... the ONE baby who lived!!!

Lilly Claire  born March 4, 2012 :)

She is special to me in a deeper way because she signifies LIFE and HOPE and JOY!  And she gives me COURAGE, that maybe next time the outcome will be different; that someday we can have a baby!  (And we will get to meet little Lilly in June!  Yay!!!  Our friends live in far away WI. :P)

Later pictures will be coming of the bulbs we planted that are blooming this week!

Millionaire

If I could make money from my ideas, I would be a millionaire.  It would work if I could just find someone who needs them!  Or, as my loving and supportive husband says, if I someday had a good enough idea!

I'm always brainstorming, always the entrepreneur, trying to advance up, invent something, change the world!  Ok, that last one went a little far (little bit TOO optimistic there, Naomi!), so moving on... to my next idea!  

It's not even about the money, though unfortunately most of my ideas require some!  I have a passion for children, for learning, for teaching, for seeing wives and mothers live out their Godly calling.  I just need to wrap it all up in a self-supporting (doesn't necessarily have to make money, just has to support itself) practical lifestyle that I could start NOW!  Patience, as is probably typical (though still not justified), is not a top trait of an entrepreneur.   

In the second-half of the chapter we read from Dave Ramsey's book EntreLeadership, he introduces the word "Mompreneur" (moms who are entrepreneurs, working from home or a variety of other ideas and the like) which is my coolest new word of the day and set me on fire all over again!

Poor Ben, he is so patient with me as I jump from one inspiration to the next!  It is a roller-coaster of an adventure - the ride of a lifetime! (who wouldn't want to come along, anyway?!) - that starts with one idea that leads to the next to the next to the next... "What about the house!!!?????"  he cries, as we go flying off.  (Our long-term taking-a-long-time-project that needs to be completed.)

"Don't worry, it'll still be sitting here when we come back around someday!"  (Envision something like Santa's sleigh flying back to the house and swooping round it.  Also, a play on words that someday I'll come down from the clouds back to my senses and do something practical!) 

Currently I work at Pizza Ranch, which is a great place to start!  I really do like working there, so I'm aiming to work my way up to manager.  I just found out that MN is one of five states left that still hold the minimum wage at $7.25 for waitresses PLUS tips!  We could save a lot more money faster if I worked at a full-service restaurant such as Perkins.  So maybe I could get an evening job there.  After working at the front counter at Pizza Ranch for the lunch hour.  Or the Bistro, a super fancy restaurant in the downtown.  At up to $40 a plate, probably the people frequenting there would tip even better for exceptional service!  It would be top-notch of course, because when I decide to do something, I am going to do it WELL!  Coinciding with whatever food service job I may have, I could take a short course and test to become a first responder serving the small town of Tracy (one of the ideas of this week).  With just a little more training (about 3 months) I could be certified as a basic EMT.  I loved the drills on the ship, having responsibility and being prepared for emergencies, (and have dreamed of being a first responder to worldwide disasters) so this would be right up my alley!  Just today we took the class and did some shooting to get our Permit to Carry...  and now I have learned one more thing!  Ever learning, ever onward.  Which reminds me that I would like to be a teacher.  To home school our kids, and if I studied for and took the Pre-Professionals Skills Test (PPST, now called Praxis I, I think?), I could homeschool other people's kids.  My dream would be to run a one-room schoolhouse!  Upon considering that idea more, it might be better to adjust it slightly, to be a sort of on-call person who could invest in helping mothers teach their own children.  I could be knowledgeable about a lot of curriculums, do lots of research, be a great encouragement, write a blog for these moms and tonight I started writing a book to that effect!  Be prepared, long-time home school moms!  Some survey questions might be coming your way soon!  These latest ideas are after we've narrowed down my vision and goals through writing a life mission statement.  Which helped me say "no" to several job offers I've received lately:  Three times I've been asked/told I should be a car salesperson, offered a $30,000/yr + full benefits full-time job with Schwans as a Route Sales Representative Trainee, and the latest, a Mary Kay professional beauty consultant.  This was after wondering about being a photographer and initially getting a job at PictureMe!  I almost forgot the things I'm working on right now, that would be Medical Transcription courses, learning about and implementing interior design for our house, and teaching Sunday school.  Of course, my life dream to be a wife and a mom haven't changed; I figure I'll just do more things along the way!    

Whew!  Did that tire anyone else out?  And these are just some of my ideas from the last, oh, four months or so.  I come up with an average of about three new ideas for my life per week, and a new revelation this week has proved that when I drink coffee (caffeine) it can jump to as many as 3 per DAY!!!  The Energizer bunny on steroids - an understatement.

"Hang on, Benjamin!  We're in for the ride of our life!!!"  You are the most understanding fun man I could ever spend it with! <3

And from today...