Letting Go

Spring being a time of graduations, its probably something you think of then.  Not 18 years before.  But yes, I MUST face it, I must start thinking about it.  I must start preparing myself for the hardest thing a mother has to do. From birth to graduation, something she has to do little by little 365 days a year of her child's life.

Letting go.

Now is the time, the only time and for the last time, that I will hold our little one this tight and this close.  I will savor it while I can.  Birth starts the process of letting go.  We won't 'be one' anymore; he won't be in me.  He will come out and be his own individual, separate from me with his own thoughts, ideas and dreams.  Leaving the womb he starts his journey of leaving me.  Developmental milestones are steps towards independence; all working towards one day pushing him out of the nest.  School age comes and though you may think that with home school you get to hold them a little longer, that is really not true.  You must let them explore and discover and be free to make (small) mistakes and bad decisions.  They must learn that actions have consequences because you will not always be there to guide and protect, and that is how the real world works.  As they get older they will have ideas, and in a safe environment, you must let them follow their child-dreams, knowing that this sets the precedent for who you believe they can become later in life.  You must be their cheerleader, their biggest fan, though you know that each victory is a step away from you.  And then the teen years.  Some freedom and some rules, allowing them the responsibility (though painful sometimes) for many of their own decisions now.  If they do not find their wings gradually, it will be a hard fall when they shoot out of the nest.  It is paramount that they develop their own convictions and identity as an individual, preventing them from being as easily swayed by those around them later in life.  Pray that the worldview you have instilled in them since birth will give them their own solid foundation, even as the gap between them and the family widens.  And then the cap and the tassel and the tears.  The tears?  But you knew this day was coming.  Will they be tears of pride and joy or of guilt and regret?  You must prepare them well, mother.  Prepare them for leaving you.

That is why it is the present tense.  Letting go.  It is a conscious act, a choice of attitude, every single day.  From the first toddling baby step to walking down the aisle, every step is one more step to leaving you.  And the job is never done; the letting go never accomplished and filed in the past tense.  Because it is an act of the will, this releasing control, to see them as adults and respect that they are their own people.  Counsel, comfort and friendship yes, but you hold them no longer in your arms.

Dear mother, cherish each moment you have your child close for these few fleeting years!  Hold them with an open hand for God did not give them to you to keep.  Birth starts the process of letting go (sometimes God asks us to let go of them even before birth), but smile through your tears, new mama - once a mother, a mom forever - you will always hold your child in your heart!

“Relationships - of all kinds - are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is.The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost.”                  
― Kaleel Jamison

Parenting

The best, concise, biblical parenting advice/teaching I have ever heard!  Forget the scores of parenting books, listen to this ONE sermon.



What did you think?  I'd love to hear your comments!

So. Pregnancy. (pregnancy part 1)

What has it been like for me?  I think it is a different journey for every mother-to-be, and one that I'm finding does not fit into the box of "normal" very often at all.

1st trimester:
Nice person inquiring, "Now how have you been feeling?"  Which must be the #1 most common asked questions to pregnant moms.  To the tune of 379 times a day [or something].  What they really mean to ask, and are just stating it nicer, is, "Have you been puking your guts out sick as a dog, hating all smells and foods, hardly able to get out of bed?"  Well, I didn't get morning sickness, but I WAS sick.  I set some sort of personal record not having a single day 'well' in the whole month of January.  Blah.  I managed to catch everything that was going around - Influenza A/the flu for two weeks followed immediately by a bad cold and just when I thought it was to the tail end of that... I caught another cold!  I had a terrible cough throughout and basically lost my voice - couldn't sing for six weeks.  I learned this is indirectly caused by pregnancy because your immune system is down (actually a good thing so it doesn't fight off the "foreign object" in your body - baby!), but it's still rough when pregnant during sick season!  Cool how God made our bodies work though, with the way our immune system naturally lowers itself to keep baby safe! :)  So that was the first three months!

Now, don't get me wrong; I am incredibly excited for end result [product], just maybe not so sure if I like the process.  But a baby is a wonderful blessing, so whatever it takes to get there, right?

2nd trimester:
I'm just part way through this one... month 4 was happy as some of my energy (after being sick for a month!) came back and I was excited to be super active and productive!
Other random uh... happiness? from pregnancy and a facial expression to go with each one:

• It took a while, but I have finally gotten used to not being able to see my waist.  Ha! :P
• I am so sick of making trips to the bathroom.  #pregnantmamasgottapee! :(
• My poor cute jeans are out; I can't wear anything except stretchy-waisted pants :/
• Only two slight "emotional" times... no pregnancy hormones? :D
• No major food cravings, though I do love chicken! :)
• I have REVERSE chocolate cravings - I used to like it... I thought I liked it... so sad, I could have this amazing reason to have tons of chocolate to satisfy a pregnancy craving and I have NO desire for it anymore!  I could care less! :'(

My amazing mother, and mother-in-law, and most women I knew growing up seemed to have relatively 'easy' pregnancies.  As in, it didn't phase them and they lived life as usual.  I envisioned being just like that, busy, energetic and active - hot summer and all - up until the very day the baby popped out!  Work, gardening, house decorating projects and life as usual, oh and by the way, I'm pregnant.

This is a huge misconception I had about pregnancy, because I am experiencing first hand, and finding through almost everyone I've talked to, that a 'normal' healthy pregnancy is less common that I thought.  Being told to "slow down" and "take it easy" was not exactly my picture of pregnant-super-mom.  But this is the road God has called me to travel.  It's not the same for everyone.  It might not go according to the books.  Everyone has their own experience.  This is my pregnancy journey.

20-weeks is halfway to the finish... of the start!

Rippling Effects

Skipping stones this last weekend while camping made me think about money.  Yup, money!  Even though a stone is small, the wavelets that spread out each time the stone skips have far-reaching effects.

Pastor loaned Ben these two DVDs - they were round and smooth... ok, enough with the skipping stones analogy! - to watch as part of pre-marital counseling a year and a half ago.  Those DVDs, on managing finances by Dave Ramsey, started us on a journey that has really just begun!  Nearly every day since then, Ben has listened to the Dave Ramsey Show podcast for wisdom, entertainment, and motivation.  He even called in the other day with a question!


1. Click on the link:  http://www.daveramsey.com/radio/home/#archives-tab
2. Go to "Archives" and choose Thur June 21, 2012
3. Wait for it to load, then move the slider to 1:41 and it will be Ben's call on live air! :)


What have we found out?  We're incredibly grateful to our parents (both sides) for giving us a great foundation and the basic wise principles for handling money - give, save, spend and don't spend more than you make - but we don't want to stop there!  There's so much more to learn!  Investing, mortgages, mutual funds, saving for retirement, how and when to buy a house, emergency fund, life insurance, etc. etc.  There's a great teacher out there for this kind of stuff - Dave Ramsey!  (as Larry Burkett was for our parents' and grandparents' generation)  He teaches smart financial stewardship from a Christian perspective.  Just what we needed!

So we enrolled in (or rather, became group coordinators for) Financial Peace University (FPU), a 13-week course on dumping debt, making a budget, and learning to 'live like no one else, so later you can live like no one else!' (and GIVE like no one else!)  We're doing it with three other young couples, just married or soon to be married.

Cutting up our credit cards!

You CAN live debt free!
You CAN retire rich!
You CAN change your family tree!
 
Try it!  Here's a FREE quick budget tool!  Check it out!

And now guess what??!  It's not just changing the lives of the four couples in the class; by living it out it is impacting a generation up (all of our parents), slowly but surely changing the behavior of coworkers, and even helping other young couples far away make a budget and get inspired!  Lord willing, come fall we'll host the class again and open it up to more families from our church and community!

By God's grace the ripple will become a tsunami.

The Trip to Sahlstrom Camp

20:10  Departure from the Sahlstrom family farm! Many flip-flops, pillows, swimsuits and much bedding aboard the 15-passenger! Ben is driving, Naomi (riding shotgun), and Charisma, Becca, Amelia, Katrina, Erina and Simeon - we are the crazy ones - leaving so late makes our ETA around 02:30! The rest of the family (and the food) will come tomorrow! Our destination? Sahlstrom (family reunion) Camp at Skunk Lake, WI!



20:35  Picked up a hitchhiker! The dude's name is Herman and in good Sahlstrom fashion we are bringing him along to family camp!

21:05  Herman peed.  The rest of us have to wait till we stop.

23:17  Charisma just declared that Herman is NOT allowed to have a french fry!  Charisma the good nanny; she is babysitting him and taking good care that he does not climb out and bite Ben or me.  And ever the good little mother, "It is time for you to go to SLEEP now, Herman!" as she whaps him down with her flip-flop.

23:55  We finally found a river.  And Herman had to go.  Bye bye, turtle!

00:00  Just finished chatting with my Aussie mate!  Tummy's full with an almost-midnight snack at MickeyD's we have three(?) out so far, 4 to go... and Ben better not fall asleep! ;)

02:05  Arrived at the camp!  Woke everyone and stopped at the outhouse.

02:45  Van's unloaded and all the kids are settled!  Ben took sleepy night pictures and now it's time for him and I to turn in!  Can't wait for tomorrow!!!

[Later:  I think I was sleeping soon after 3am... Ben was a different story!  He did so well staying alert and driving us safely that he was wired and took a while to wind down!  In the end he slept from about 4am to 6:45!  Only 6:54??!!!!  I slept until a good 10:30 or so... and was the second to last person to get up! :)]

Amelia's Birthday

BEFORE

The upper right hand corner of the "before" picture (above) is what we sawed down, cleared out and mowed...  

...to make a CAMPFIRE!  Well, that was the incentive.  Naomi has conniving ways of getting child labor to help her clear the jungle.  Um, no, I think that was a bad sentence!  Actually, I was babysitting away from the house for my mother-in-law who was hosting sophisticated dignified ladies such as those attending the homeopathic class.  It just happened to be on Amelia's birthday!  So we went to Ben and Naomi's house.  Because Naomi had some other work that needed to be done... and it's always more fun to work all together, right?!  And a few toddler hands in the mix help get more done, riiiiiiight? :P  

Well we hacked and yanked and grunted and moved fallen tree-logs (with very impressive girl power!), and eventually the job was done!  Then we carried stones and Ben helped dig the pit for our new campfire!  We had many lemonade breaks and made it a "party" by having a treasure hunt all over our property with the kids finding in the end a special gift for Amelia and the makings for s'mores for everyone!  At one point Simeon spied a helicopter not far down the road - it is unusual to have helicopters around here except for medical emergencies airlifted out - so I ran and grabbed my [emergency radio] pager and we loaded up and headed out to investigate!  Soon we saw it was a modern flying sprayer (crop duster) for the fields so we all jumped out and stood in the open prairie space on the gravel roads, surrounded by fields all around and an interesting helicopter above!  It kept coming around and then landing on it's truck to re-fill it's tanks with whatever chemical it was spraying.    EDUCATIONAL MOMENT!!!  Naomi was thinking!  Lol, I don't care if school is done, if kids are with Naomi we are still going to learn, even if it means chasing helicopters!  The cool thing was, we waved to the man in the bubble in the little funny-looking specially-designed helicopter and he buzzed us - lower than the power lines!  It was so exciting and special for Amelia's birthday!  And he did it TWICE!  So, to whoever that was, thank you; you made our day!!!  (Unfortunately my phone was being uncooperative and not working at the time of the helicopter so sorry, no pics of my own.)      

The Work Crew  er... birthday party go-ers!

The girls!  Amelia (turning 12) is in orange.

P.S.

As a random ending to this post, Mom texted us just as we were eating the last of our s'mores and said Pastor was coming to pick up the 15-passenger van (which we were, of course, using)... in HALF AN HOUR!  And it really needed to be cleaned out!  Yikes!  So we loaded up, went back home, got the shop vac and emptied that bus out!  A lot of people must have been missing a lot of things, because in addition to the normal junk of gum wrappers, tissues, and other trash, we found 1 guitar, 13 shoes, 6 winter coats, and a host of matchbox cars, books water bottles and the like!  Welcome to life in a big family! :D

[this day happened on May 16, 2012]

pinks & blues

Pink Easter Bonnet Daffodils for a girl, Blue Scillas for a boy!

We'll meet you in heaven, little one! <3

A Special Day

Today is a special day!  Today is a birthday - the actual would-have-been birth day - of our first child!  It was my due date.  Funny how I don't remember off the top of my head which day I had the miscarriage, but this day, May 3rd, is forever seared in my memory.

I hope the angels have a party for you, Baby.  Sunshine and colorful balloons and fluffy cotton-candy clouds!  Oh, how I miss to see what your face looks like!  

And oh the irony - cruel, cruel irony.  Instead of having a baby in my arms, I am practicing a flip on the trampoline, still a child myself.  Life is very different than it would have been.

Out of six pregnancies that I knew of - my own mom and my mother-in-law included - 5 out of 6 of the babies died (including vanishing twin syndrome and a stillbirth).  With my first pregnancy experience ending in miscarriage, and being surrounded by all these others, it is hard to believe that we can have a 'normal' healthy pregnancy and baby someday.  So I want to introduce to you, on this special day, the baby who brought hope... the ONE baby who lived!!!

Lilly Claire  born March 4, 2012 :)

She is special to me in a deeper way because she signifies LIFE and HOPE and JOY!  And she gives me COURAGE, that maybe next time the outcome will be different; that someday we can have a baby!  (And we will get to meet little Lilly in June!  Yay!!!  Our friends live in far away WI. :P)

Later pictures will be coming of the bulbs we planted that are blooming this week!

Home Alone 2

Dad and Mom are gone to Hawaii to visit sister Annika, so we have 10 days home alone!  Not alone per se, with six kids, two big sisters, a Ben and Naomi, Grandma and Aunt B!  This is just the right conditions for...

...PARTY TIME!!!!

actually NOT.  

The youth thought they were coming over for TrueU (Bible study), but had an April Fool's surprise instead - scrubbing floors!  Haha, well, we didn't make them work TOO hard and Ben was the hardest worker of all! ;)

Reuben and Simeon cleaned the boy's room

First asparagus of the year!

BEFORE

AFTER

Tracy's newest hobo  No, I mean, he is being well cared for, well fed and well clothed... ok, maybe not the last one?  Honest!  He's doing great! :D

and the littlest dinner-bell-ringer!

It must be Spring!

Last Sunday we were riding snowmobiles and sleds (our 'one day of winter' as it seemed for this year); today we were riding the 4-wheeler and bikes, jumping on hay bales and flying kites!  We even found the first green grass!   Some family members absolutely went berserk when they spotted a robin at lunch - a robin means spring, I learned.  And SOMEONE shyly admitted they were even wearing their swimsuit under their clothes!  Maybe that's a little optimistic there, Erina!

This was last Sunday afternoon, and pretty much all the winter we got!

...and a parting shot of the cutest couple this winter:

And with that, winter is officially OVER!!!!!!!  Sunshine and warm weather, you are invited every day, so just keep on coming!  On the farm is the best place to be in the springtime! <3

Millionaire

If I could make money from my ideas, I would be a millionaire.  It would work if I could just find someone who needs them!  Or, as my loving and supportive husband says, if I someday had a good enough idea!

I'm always brainstorming, always the entrepreneur, trying to advance up, invent something, change the world!  Ok, that last one went a little far (little bit TOO optimistic there, Naomi!), so moving on... to my next idea!  

It's not even about the money, though unfortunately most of my ideas require some!  I have a passion for children, for learning, for teaching, for seeing wives and mothers live out their Godly calling.  I just need to wrap it all up in a self-supporting (doesn't necessarily have to make money, just has to support itself) practical lifestyle that I could start NOW!  Patience, as is probably typical (though still not justified), is not a top trait of an entrepreneur.   

In the second-half of the chapter we read from Dave Ramsey's book EntreLeadership, he introduces the word "Mompreneur" (moms who are entrepreneurs, working from home or a variety of other ideas and the like) which is my coolest new word of the day and set me on fire all over again!

Poor Ben, he is so patient with me as I jump from one inspiration to the next!  It is a roller-coaster of an adventure - the ride of a lifetime! (who wouldn't want to come along, anyway?!) - that starts with one idea that leads to the next to the next to the next... "What about the house!!!?????"  he cries, as we go flying off.  (Our long-term taking-a-long-time-project that needs to be completed.)

"Don't worry, it'll still be sitting here when we come back around someday!"  (Envision something like Santa's sleigh flying back to the house and swooping round it.  Also, a play on words that someday I'll come down from the clouds back to my senses and do something practical!) 

Currently I work at Pizza Ranch, which is a great place to start!  I really do like working there, so I'm aiming to work my way up to manager.  I just found out that MN is one of five states left that still hold the minimum wage at $7.25 for waitresses PLUS tips!  We could save a lot more money faster if I worked at a full-service restaurant such as Perkins.  So maybe I could get an evening job there.  After working at the front counter at Pizza Ranch for the lunch hour.  Or the Bistro, a super fancy restaurant in the downtown.  At up to $40 a plate, probably the people frequenting there would tip even better for exceptional service!  It would be top-notch of course, because when I decide to do something, I am going to do it WELL!  Coinciding with whatever food service job I may have, I could take a short course and test to become a first responder serving the small town of Tracy (one of the ideas of this week).  With just a little more training (about 3 months) I could be certified as a basic EMT.  I loved the drills on the ship, having responsibility and being prepared for emergencies, (and have dreamed of being a first responder to worldwide disasters) so this would be right up my alley!  Just today we took the class and did some shooting to get our Permit to Carry...  and now I have learned one more thing!  Ever learning, ever onward.  Which reminds me that I would like to be a teacher.  To home school our kids, and if I studied for and took the Pre-Professionals Skills Test (PPST, now called Praxis I, I think?), I could homeschool other people's kids.  My dream would be to run a one-room schoolhouse!  Upon considering that idea more, it might be better to adjust it slightly, to be a sort of on-call person who could invest in helping mothers teach their own children.  I could be knowledgeable about a lot of curriculums, do lots of research, be a great encouragement, write a blog for these moms and tonight I started writing a book to that effect!  Be prepared, long-time home school moms!  Some survey questions might be coming your way soon!  These latest ideas are after we've narrowed down my vision and goals through writing a life mission statement.  Which helped me say "no" to several job offers I've received lately:  Three times I've been asked/told I should be a car salesperson, offered a $30,000/yr + full benefits full-time job with Schwans as a Route Sales Representative Trainee, and the latest, a Mary Kay professional beauty consultant.  This was after wondering about being a photographer and initially getting a job at PictureMe!  I almost forgot the things I'm working on right now, that would be Medical Transcription courses, learning about and implementing interior design for our house, and teaching Sunday school.  Of course, my life dream to be a wife and a mom haven't changed; I figure I'll just do more things along the way!    

Whew!  Did that tire anyone else out?  And these are just some of my ideas from the last, oh, four months or so.  I come up with an average of about three new ideas for my life per week, and a new revelation this week has proved that when I drink coffee (caffeine) it can jump to as many as 3 per DAY!!!  The Energizer bunny on steroids - an understatement.

"Hang on, Benjamin!  We're in for the ride of our life!!!"  You are the most understanding fun man I could ever spend it with! <3

And from today...

      

'I belong to no one'

What would it be like to belong to no one?

It's almost christmas - I don't have my grandparent's or parent's home to go to... because I simply don't have family.  None.  Zilch.  I am a family of one.  Except, I don't think 'family' can be singular.  If there's only one it's 'alone'.  Yup, that's me; I don't belong to anyone. 

I don't have a curfew, which many teenagers might envy.  But I just wish there were someone who cares what time I come home... or if I come home at all.  I wish I would have a real home to come back to.  Looking to the future it would be cool to get married someday.  But I need to find another loner like me.  It wouldn't be fair to him that I would get a family out of the deal because I don't have family he'd be joining.  I will never have a Dad to walk me down the aisle. 

I had dreams too, you know.  I imagined being pushed on a swing by a smiling person called Mom.  My 6-year-old joy would have been indescribable!  I wanted to know what it would be like to have a Grandma who baked the best pumpkin pies for Thanksgiving.  Would I help roll out pie crust or would I be outside with Grandpa showing me how to shoot a rifle?  How about as a family to go sledding in the park in the winter?  In my mind's eye I could see us walking across the snow, seeing all the other fathers out with their daughters having the best Saturday of their life, at least it would be of mine!  But it's all in the past tense because it's too late for me to make any of those childhood memories.
Age 17 was my last chance for a normal life.  That was the year I heard someone say, "My plate's full.  I have a full house!  God's given me enough with my own two grown children, one teenager at home yet and grandkids coming over..."  I'm only 5'1 since I was preemie; I don't take up much room.  And no space for me in their mansion of a house?  Did they not read in the Bible the 47 times it says to care for the orphans?     

I waited a long time for a family and they never came.  I don't have a family and I never will.  I'll never get my turn to be someone's kid because I 'aged-out'.... of the System.    

Suzanne L. __________  

Age 18, American Foster Care System   

P.S.  I am Suzanne Lauren __________, with no last name because I belong to no one.

"Our baby is in Jesus' Arms now"

And he said, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”  Job 1:21 (ESV)

Ben got these flowers for me the day before you went to be with Jesus

Baby, 

This is the only (sort of) "family" picture we have...  Your dad is a photographer you know.  We were going to get some amazing pictures of you and us...  He and I loved you very much!  We were excited to meet you, but I guess now we have to wait a little longer.  Your Uncles and Aunts and Grandparents-to-be were very excited too - one of your uncles had been praying for a long time that you would come.  He wanted to give you four-wheeler rides, go exploring with you and show you how to catch minnows in the pond.  Mama had a lot of dreams for you too!  I was going to have a baby for the first time!  You were going to be born in the spring and all summer I would keep you nearby as we planted a garden, made supper for Daddy coming home, and kept our house tidy.  We hoped to be moved into our new house before you arrived.  We wanted you to have a really nice home to grow up in.  You would grow up healthy and free in the country.  Some days you might have even gone to work with Dad and gotten a lolly at the hardware store!  Dad would also teach you how to work on cars, fix pipes and wire stuff, though if you were a girl you'd be more interested in the kittens that play in the shop!  You would be Mama's little helper!  I was looking forward to building forts with you in the woods, teaching you your ABC's and letting you pursue your interests.  We were going to keep each other company while Dad is at work every day.  He works so hard for us, and he loved you too you know.Well, I need to go and stop crying and try to be cheerful for your Daddy!  It's supper time.  Just wanted to let you know that we miss you.   

Love, your Mama

Even though I was eight weeks along, we think the baby died or stopped developing at seven weeks (this is what it looked like).

I never got to sing you a lullaby so I'll have to sing this "Lullaby of Love".  It's a really neat song for anyone who's lost a little one through miscarriage.

And in memory of you we're going to plant a tree -- someday -- maybe in the spring.  Because trees are growing, and living, and full of LIFE!  Just as you are, in heaven with Jesus. :')