fragment
noun |ˈfragmənt|
a small part broken or separated off something
• an isolated or incomplete part of something : The bits of my life worth writing down (and some of the other parts too!)
Sometimes I feel distant from my own body - like I'm taking care of a pet. Is it really me that is walking funny, feeling funny, not-skinny-any-more-but-somehow-still-small, and doesn't have much energy? And my pile of vitamins! I have to take so many I call them my "granny pills". I have always hated vitamins. This take-it-easy, eat healthy, less crazy daredevil is hardly like Naomi. It's like another person living in my body. Bingo! Oh yeah, that's right, that's what it is!
And now this pet.
See, this pet is quite demanding. It needs food. LOTS of food, in fact, but can't eat too much all at once unless we want to feel like after Thanksgiving dinner. And if I let it get hungry, it feels sick and threatens to throw up the next thing I feed it (does that not make sense, or what??!). And it likes three types of food, and it knows which it wants at what time. Our new diet has 3 food groups - carbs, protein, vegetables/fruit. It must be like a young housepet - and we must be in the potty training phase - because we have got to pee all the time! And I must give it lots of water. (Probably not helping with the # of trips to the bathroom, but it must have it's water!) And then the pampering. I almost feel bad wasting hot water on baths, but Ben says if it relaxes the poor pet, it's ok. Then it needs vitamin E oil and lotion rubbed on it's tummy to prevent ugly stretch marks from appearing. Whew! It is vain! Not only that, it then wants monthly professional pictures to have a record of how it has grown. And since it is growing, it insists on needing new clothes that are bigger, so we make trips to the store trying to find something that will work. It needs more sleep than me at night and then still has the audacity to act like it wants a nap! The Dr. says I must listen to it and try to figure out what it wants and then give it to it. Darn thing, it's going to be spoiled! What about me??? It takes a lot of my energy taking care of this pet! And I must give up things that I like - climbing trees, amusement park rides, heavy work, downhill skiing, and all other things wild and crazy that are so much fun - in order to take care of my pet! I must be calm for it and cater to it, so it... can help me take care of baby! :)
Ads on the radio have changed their tune. Apparently it's 'Time to get a lawnmower!' 'Best time to buy a fireplace - end of season sale!' And all the seed companies vying for best-seed-for-some-reason-or-other award. (It's pretty funny actually because they spend almost as much time convincing us that despite what it looks/feels like spring really is nearly here, as they do promoting the product!)
Sunshine
Farmers are remembering they have fields
Only a month and a half left till school is out! (Let me tell you, the kids are itching already!)
I'm still waiting to see the first green leaf or new blade of grass... and waiting for a sighting of the one other sure sign of spring - the first tractor in the field!
Three weeks ago out our front window - it was a HUGE icicle!
And today (our front yard)... the drippy, slushy, wet and yucky of the very beginning of spring!
What has it been like for me? I think it is a different journey for every mother-to-be, and one that I'm finding does not fit into the box of "normal" very often at all.
1st trimester:
Nice person inquiring, "Now how have you been feeling?" Which must be the #1 most common asked questions to pregnant moms. To the tune of 379 times a day [or something]. What they really mean to ask, and are just stating it nicer, is, "Have you been puking your guts out sick as a dog, hating all smells and foods, hardly able to get out of bed?" Well, I didn't get morning sickness, but I WAS sick. I set some sort of personal record not having a single day 'well' in the whole month of January. Blah. I managed to catch everything that was going around - Influenza A/the flu for two weeks followed immediately by a bad cold and just when I thought it was to the tail end of that... I caught another cold! I had a terrible cough throughout and basically lost my voice - couldn't sing for six weeks. I learned this is indirectly caused by pregnancy because your immune system is down (actually a good thing so it doesn't fight off the "foreign object" in your body - baby!), but it's still rough when pregnant during sick season! Cool how God made our bodies work though, with the way our immune system naturally lowers itself to keep baby safe! :) So that was the first three months!
Now, don't get me wrong; I am incredibly excited for end result [product], just maybe not so sure if I like the process. But a baby is a wonderful blessing, so whatever it takes to get there, right?
2nd trimester:
I'm just part way through this one... month 4 was happy as some of my energy (after being sick for a month!) came back and I was excited to be super active and productive!
Other random uh... happiness? from pregnancy and a facial expression to go with each one:
It took a while, but I have finally gotten used to not being able to see my waist. Ha! :P
I am so sick of making trips to the bathroom. #pregnantmamasgottapee! :(
My poor cute jeans are out; I can't wear anything except stretchy-waisted pants :/
Only two slight "emotional" times... no pregnancy hormones? :D
No major food cravings, though I do love chicken! :)
I have REVERSE chocolate cravings - I used to like it... I thought I liked it... so sad, I could have this amazing reason to have tons of chocolate to satisfy a pregnancy craving and I have NO desire for it anymore! I could care less! :'(
My amazing mother, and mother-in-law, and most women I knew growing up seemed to have relatively 'easy' pregnancies. As in, it didn't phase them and they lived life as usual. I envisioned being just like that, busy, energetic and active - hot summer and all - up until the very day the baby popped out! Work, gardening, house decorating projects and life as usual, oh and by the way, I'm pregnant.
This is a huge misconception I had about pregnancy, because I am experiencing first hand, and finding through almost everyone I've talked to, that a 'normal' healthy pregnancy is less common that I thought. Being told to "slow down" and "take it easy" was not exactly my picture of pregnant-super-mom. But this is the road God has called me to travel. It's not the same for everyone. It might not go according to the books. Everyone has their own experience. This is my pregnancy journey.
20-weeks is halfway to the finish... of the start!
Those of you who know me know I love words! I like writing, I take notes, I doodle words! I gravitate towards wall plaques and interior decorating that uses words. Ok, I think you get the idea!
I also have big aspirations and make optimistic New Year resolutions. Falling right in with statistics, I make too many and am unrealistic in what I think I can accomplish and... they don't last very long. *sigh* Who doesn't do that though? Even my daily to-do lists and goals are set so high they are almost impossible to complete in 24 hours, let alone the few hours after work.
So when Ben and I listened to a podcast interviewing two authors who together wrote the book, One Word that will Change Your Life, I was instantly intrigued. The magical word - if I could just buy the book so I knew what it was - there would be hope for such a failure at New Year's resolutions as me! (Isn't that how they make you think though?) Actually, it's not quite how I thought; not a one-word-fixes-all situation. Because *spoiler warning inserted here* the 'one word' is different for all of us.
It's not setting to do goals, but rather to be goals; it's not what you want to accomplish, it's who you want to become in one year. Discovering that word that's meant for you that cuts through all the clutter and chaos and creates simplicity, power and focus.
It's not simply picking a word. ... As you... listen to God... it's a process of surrender, receiving the word God has for you that year and then living it out.
We're looking for a God-word, not a good word.
1. Look in - Prepare your heart (unplug, de-clutter, introspective time thinking about what God may have for you to learn)
2. Look up - Discover your word (it may not be the word you want; it is the word God wants for you!)
3. Look out - Live your word (share your word, tell others, and work on becoming who God wants you to be)
A couple other good quotes from the podcast:
Don't try to do everything. In the pursuit of trying to do everything, you don't do anything as well as you would like.
Leadership is about character, not as much about what you accomplish.
An interesting thing to note is that often busyness stands in the way of hearing from God (because we don't take the time to think and listen) and living out who He actually wants us to be because we're just so busy... doing. Our culture sees busyness as a badge of honor, even to the point of (subconsciously?) bragging about our schedules when we meet our friends in the grocery store, trying to outdo each other with the number of things we are busy with. "...but I am just so BUSY!" One word cuts down on some of the busyness (trying to keep up with New Year resolutions, anyone?), is easy to remember and helps narrow our focus down to one theme for the year, and as God works in us to refine our character, it will affect every area of our life.
These are all words I would have wanted. As we listened through the podcast, of course my mind started racing, trying to pick a word for my year. Until they got to the part about how God chooses it for you. My initial reaction was, How do I figure that out?! Because I'd like to know NOW! Then it all started to come together.
I already have my word! Not a word of my choosing, but I know with certainty that it is God's word for me for this year. In fact, I already wrote about it at the beginning of the year, here, when it was on my mind a ton. Funny, how I'd almost forgotten about it until recent, when that theme presented itself again.
My word is
Peace.
Right now [with the circumstances of a post-poned trip] God is allowing me to experience indescribable peace. I have a very hard time accepting a change in plans. I have expectations. I need to be notified way in advance so I have time to 'mentally prepare myself' as I call it. And did I mention, I hate having to be flexible. If all isn't quite on track, I stress.
I had plans. I had expectations. I was not notified in time to prepare myself for the sudden change.
I could be angry. I could be bitter. Certainly I am disappointed. I could hold these feelings of resentment towards God, or even harbor bitterness towards our baby - it's their fault I feel this way, right? In circumstances out of my control, my attitude is always my choice! The Bible warns us to watch out for a root of bitterness and commands us to put these feelings of anger and bitterness away because they do not produce the righteousness of God. Interesting that anger, bitterness and resentment stem from unmet expectations. Bitterness only hurts those holding it in their hearts. It will eat away your joy and harden your heart. With God's help, and seeing others' examples, I am learning to choose cheerfulness.
I choose life. I choose joy. I choose to see my circumstances as a gift, because through it God is letting me experience peace like I never have before. Kind of cool, how this podcast and idea of one word is helping make sense of what I saw before as a negative situation.
What word is God trying to give to you? I choose to accept my word for 2013. Will you accept yours?
We have been waiting for this day for longer than we waited for our wedding day. Like, two years - since we got married. And a whole year before that while we were dating... three years really, that we have been hoping, dreaming, planning, saving $$ for and looking forward to this day. Our 7-week trip was all planned out, starting off with a visit to the ship Logos Hope which is currently sailing in Asia, but more importantly to see Hong Kong where I grew up and visit my family where they live now, in mainland China. "The trip of a decade!" we tease, since it's really not an affordable vacation to do often! I have been SO EXCITED to take Ben back to my childhood roots and get to experience the culture of my previous home(s) together!!!
Then it crashed. Not our plane. Because... we weren't actually on one yet. The dream. Our China trip dream that was so close to happening we could almost smell the jet fuel and feel the humid tropical air. But instead of leaving the Sanford Women's Clinic with the letter I requested - you know, the one that reassures airlines and the like that I am 18 weeks along, pregnancy is going well and I am perfectly fit to travel - I carry home a letter with the dreaded words, "She has a complication of pregnancy that was discovered today that makes it inadvisable to travel."
Inadvisable to travel.
Wow! The whole picture can change so fast! This isn't even the roller-coaster ride we've been on already that I was referring to at the end of my last post. The 'complication' is that I am at risk for preterm labor due to a short cervix. Hopefully this is just how my body is and I will go full term and then in the future it should not be a cause for concern. However, since it is my first pregnancy (the very first was a miscarriage, so second actually) it is an unknown with no previous good pregnancies to fall back on, and all the signs point to at risk for preterm labor. One of the things that has been proven to cause significantly more contractions (a bad thing if you have a short cervix) is travel, especially prolonged/overseas travel, thus heightening the risk that my body would go into labor way too early. Aside from this is the fact that China (or the middle of the ocean on Logos Hope) does not have as good of medical care available as here - for me more so, were something to happen, because it would be too early for the baby to survive either place.
Thirteen hours before our plane left, and we had to make one of the hardest decisions ever so far. Neither Ben nor I felt comfortable putting our little boy at unnecessary risk for our selfish reasons. So we made the difficult choice to call off our trip at this time and are doing all in our power to help this pregnancy go full term. Like our CNM said, "It won't be the last time your children will cause a change in your plans!" We are trusting God that He will take care of our little one and that our trip will happen in His time!
We don't know what God is doing or trying to teach us. I don't know why He gives and takes away and gives again... only to take away again. This was not how I wanted pregnancy to be. I am enjoying this second trimester high energy and I was hoping to be highly active throughout and the kind of mom who's 8.5 months pregnant and out hoeing the garden and doing hard work without it phasing her one bit! Why did the first one have to be a miscarriage? Why is the second one this way? Never did I imagine I would be the mother begging God that baby stays in the womb just one more day... and one more. Why oh why can't I have a normal pregnancy??!
Having to postpone our trip is a LOT of disappointment for us. We were SO looking forward to this trip and seeing my family and... everything! Obviously we didn't make the decision lightly. If something were to happen, I don't know if I could live with myself, without blaming myself or thinking maybe it's our fault because we heightened our risk by traveling. Since there ARE things we can do to lessen the risk we are taking the recommendations of my very common sense midwife and certified nurse midwife. In addition to not traveling, I am not supposed to lift much and not do (very much) exercise and lower my activity level and some other things. Being a very active person this is pretty hard for me. :/ If seven weeks from now baby has not come (hopefully!) then I'm sure we'll play the second guessing yourself game and wonder if we would have been alright even if traveling. But then again that might have been too much and may have caused a different outcome. So we may never know.
One thing we do know; as devastated as we are, God has given us an indescribable peace about staying! (After knowing what we know, we did not have a peace about going, even though that is what I wanted.) Surprisingly we even had a good day today!
We are taking a few days away to process things and take these big changes one day at a time. All we can do is trust God and hold our dreams in an open hand.
THE GOOD NEWS is that our sweet little baby is a BOY and he's growing strong and healthy and perfectly on track. He's 7oz. now and moving around A LOT even though I haven't felt it yet! :) 18 weeks along today! Praise God that we had an appointment BEFORE leaving (this almost didn't happen).
Here are some milestones you can pray with us for our little boy to meet (hopefully all still safely in the womb!):
According to what my CNM said...
24 weeks - about the earliest babies can survive with the highest technology in the States
28 weeks - 100% of premie babies survive, with less than 10% having long-term issues
36 weeks - baby can survive without NICU (some at 34 weeks)
40 weeks - full term
Praise the Lord that Delta Airlines refunded our biggest flight tickets 100%, and Ben is working hard communicating with the others. We would appreciate your prayers that we would be able to get money back from the other two flights as well! Our China visas last a year, so it's possible we could go after our little guy is born!
Proverbs 16:9 The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.
Isaiah 55:8-9
For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
